V e r b a t i m

“close your eyes,” you tell me.
  I’m so nervous I can’t stop trembling.

You never stopped there
they said you USED me
but I don’t want to listen to reason
I’m too stubborn for their truths.

You hold my hand
tell me to run away
           {with you,} for you
I can’t say what you’ve said to me.
it’s all lies.

I write so the drugs will pass me by
YOU USED ME.

Say she isn’t angry now,
  but my head is splitting and I can’t
                        FEEL anymore.
I’ve heard you lie so many times.

“Just you,” you say to me;
     and like a SPOILED child I believed you.
You tell me “you’re amazing.”
     but you don’t know them IMPACT of the words.

You’d tell me anything to use me again,
          but as I see this far ahead the threats just aren’t WORTH it.
not with what you have to offer.

You pay me off
   like I’m so cheap you can use me over and over.

It’s funny how you think you can trust them,
      they’d rat you out in an instant while I struggle with these secrets.

For you I have been beaten and bruised,
      yet you still laugh at my iniquity.
YOU WERE PART OF IT TOO.

Tell me why you are so clean,
    tell me why you aren’t bleeding.

I feel so heavy, like lead.
   the pressure is overwhelming.
I CAN’T BREATHE.

I’ve waited so long for a moment I can’t even remember,
    It was everything and nothing to me
why can’t I remember how it felt?

You tell me I’m crazy,
   but you’ve NEVER seen these words.
I can’t let go of this anger and pain…
   everyone would be so suspicious of what happened.

Even when I speak to you I can’t get it out.
you have the NERVE to ask me why I’m crying
                 you knew I could never make it.

You tell me I’m being “overly dramatic”
   but when there’s so much inside that I can’t get out

TELL ME
      that you wouldn’t die too.

s o  m a n y  t h i n g s  l e f t  u n s a i d;
    you’d think I was speaking in another language.
this is how I speak.

In your stupidity you don’t know how much it hurts
   I never lied to you when I told you it was d i f f e r e n t for me.

Stockholm Syndrome

TW: Murder, kidnapping, child abuse, sexual assault 

Dear,

I have a confession
and I don’t have much time
to tell you of my regrets

Dear,

I may have killed a man
with his own gun
my shirt is soaked with his blood.

Dear,

He begged for mercy
but I didn’t feel merciful tonight
is it even really that bad
to kill?

Dear,

I’d like to think he was innocent
but he wasn’t.
he killed first; he killed my father.

Dear,

He told me, as he lay dying
that he killed him to protect me
that the man wasn’t really my father
that I was brainwashed.

Dear,

I shot him again
right between the eyes
when he told me his lie.

Dear,

The man was clearly delusional
and he took away all I had
the man who raised me from birth
after my mother abandoned me.

Dear,

If you were afraid,
they already caught me
after all, I killed him in his home
a Police Station with a big brown dog by his side.

Dear,

The sirens were so loud,
just like the night daddy died
when they took me from his home at
the tender age of thirteen and thrust me into 
the arms of a woman with long brown hair who
looked a lot like me.

Dear,

They told me the woman was my mother
they’re all a bunch of liars
my mother was a whore.  Daddy said she’s 
dead by now.  Rotting in some ditch
just outside of Jersey.

Dear,

Daddy said I’d never see her again
and then he’d tuck me into his bed
every night.  And tell me how special I am
and how I’m his “beautiful” girl.

Dear,

Daddy loved me.

The Night the Stars Fell

TW: sexual assault, child abuse

We’re moving and it’s dark and warm
I feel safe, but only until we stop
the fear sets in and I
c
a
n
’t
scream because of the tape
and I can’t
r
u
n
because…

The trunk opens 
and light pours into my
safe darkness
and I’m not safe
or alone…
anymore.

I squint, blinded by the bright lights
and I can’t see his face, but I know
it’s a question they’ll ask later
at the hospital.

They’ll also ask what he did to me
where he touched me
if he hurt me
at least…
that’s what happens on TV.

On TV they always catch the bad guy.

His hands are on me and
I’m scared, I don’t want him to touch me
but everything is going so fast
his arms hold me as I struggle
and he tells me “it’ll be quick”
because he only “likes ‘em live the first time”
I feel sick.

He takes me in a house
it’s dirty and dust is everywhere
it smells like old books and rotting wood
there’s one mattress
and I know that’s where 
I
’m

g
o
i
n
g.

Still fast.  He throws me down, tells me
“struggle all you want, I’m stronger than you”
and I know it’s true because he’s on top of me
a bundle of free, flailing limbs and he pins me.

His teeth are yellow and his
breath smells like coffee and alcohol
he tells me “I like ’em young”
I don’t respond, still flailing.

He’s wearing glasses and his cheeks are red
and his eyes are black as coal, his nose has a wart
and he got Star too, but she didn’t make it because…
he likes younger girls better.

Star is a year older and
when he asked us our ages he seemed like
such a nice man.

He gave us balloons and told us we were
p  pp  p
r  rr  r
e  ee  e
t  tt  t
t  tt  t
y  yy  y
and every little girl wants to be pretty
just. like. mommy.

He made me watch when he touched her
up her skirt, over her legs
he told me not to look away
because it made him hot to know I was watching
I couldn’t stop crying when she screamed
he was hurting her by…

His lips are all over my body and it burns
the hatred in me and I…I can’t stop screaming
he’s touching me and using fingers and whispering
“You’re my good girl, you’re my good girl”
I’m sick.  I’m sick.

He wont stop touching me 
and he tells me “this’ll hurt a little”
and he tells me “I like it when you scream”
and he tells me “you’re so pretty”
and he tells me “a perfect little angel”
and he tells me “so innocent”
and I’m not anymore
I’m not and I…
I
I’m
not and….
I can’t stop screaming
because it hurts
and I’m not old enough
and

He tells me “I only like ’em live the first time”.