& it kills me every time

So tired.  I can’t even function, think straight.  But…but…I’ll be up all night in tears again.  You don’t know what you do to me.

Nothing makes sense, nothing makes sense anymore.  It’s not right when you’re gone.  It just isn’t.  I stay up and I try not to call you.  I try to wait until you call me, but I’m so addicted to your voice that it’s so hard for me to even imagine being without it.

You.  You on the other hand.  You don’t feel anything do you?  You don’t understand why I’d need you so much.  Or how much it hurts to only be permitted to need you for one day a week.

It gets harder every time.  Especially when that phone rings and I know you have to disappear.  

It kills me.  It kills me when you hang up, sigh and stare at me with those big brown eyes.  And I know.  I just know where it’s going.

And you get up and you leave, tell me you have to and if it were my choice.  You can’t make promises anymore.  And I can’t take the broken hearts.  Littered with the knowledge of paper, the title of “pure” and the quantity of “six”.

You kill me.  And you don’t even know it.

icanfeelyou

I write about the sandman
and I tell you “It’s a true story”
the hole that “leads to neverland”
is really…
in my back yard
and is, the size of my fist
and it could
p
     u
          l
             l
you through it just as easily as it was dug.

I write about the deep blue ocean
and I tell you “It’s dark, crushing me”
the ocean is suffocating and
it’s where I 
re
si
de
when you’re not with me.

I write about my bruise kissed eyes
and I tell you “I can’t imagine sleeping”
not without you, your breath against my ear
and the smell of cinnamon and strawberries
I
tell 
you
“the white noise” is what helps me sleep
but really, it’s the certainty of knowing 
you can be so close that I can 
(almost) feel you.

I write about the dreams I have about you
and I tell you “I can feel you sometimes”
but I feel you every night, I can imagine your skin
your hair, fingertips, light touches as you trace my body
do 
you
even
know?
The question is simple, stupid even
I can 
f e e l you.

I write about you, mostly
and I tell you “I love you”
and sometimes you question the truthfulness 
and it hurts, but I question you too
in 
s  i  l  e  n  c  e
and I try hard not to make it known.

I write about how you break my heart
and I tell you nothing and let you believe in the hurt
but you could never break me

you.
       keep.
               me.
                    complete.
andicanfeelyou.

Demons

My demons
Are white hot
Chill me to the bone
Fear

Its paralyzing
I can feel it in my sleep
In my dreams

The fear chases away
The light, happiness
My heart is filled with black clouds
Of pain and constant
Constant
Constant
Fear

Some days I can’t function
Because I am so afraid
Of everything
Because my demons
Chase me
Until I can’t run
There’s nowhere to hide
The darkness is everywhere
Because my demons
Are determined

I lay my head down
And I try to hide
Wishing for the days when
I had nightmares about driverless cars
And no constant sense of
IMPENDING DOOM
And of my own mortality

I miss the nightmares
With the bathroom stalls
The light that chased the fear away
Now I can’t even sleep with the
Bathroom door open
Lest the monsters get out
Lest they bleed into reality
Lest they come out of my head
Free of my imagination

Because they are coming
I feel it in my fear
Because why
Why would so much fear be for
Nothing

Why would it take over
So completely
If there’s nothing
Nothing to be afraid of
Because my demons
Are real

the way i want this to be always

It’s been so long, I’d forgotten how good it felt to rest against you like this.  I know we’re both crying now, but I can’t help thinking how amazing it feels to have my face resting against your chest and your arm around me.  

I can’t explain it, but I want to be here with you…like this forever.  It’s comforting to feel this sensation of belonging.  Your hand brushes over my hair and down my back and I’ve never felt so much love for you.

The way things are right now, with you smiling down at me, kissing the top of my head and lacing your free hand with the one I placed on your chest…I wouldn’t trade this for the world.  I feel the sting of tears being brought forth and a smile coming to my lips.  

My thoughts immediately shift to a song from the opera we watched together and I feel the tears roll down from my eyes, down my cheeks and over my lips.  

I never knew I’d love you so much, but I do.

Power Lines & Internet Modems

You have a bad signal
but I’ve got the broken heart
the salty drops of rain that fall

<            /           3

They break me
lure me in with false hope
false love, false everything
then cast me aside…
my only hope being to call
y  o  u.

But you’re lost in your own land
of power-lines and internet modems
I’m hurt and you can’t reach me
I guess it’s what I should expect

You can’t always be there
and I know that but…
I really needed you now.

but.  y. ou.         .ve.a          onnec.         tion.