Some Old OCs

These are the OCs I never talk about ever.

First of all, here’s a blank one just in case anyone else wants to do it:

Full Name:
Gender and Sexuality:
Pronouns:
Ethnicity/Species:
Birthplace and Birthdate:
Guilty Pleasures:
Phobias:
What They Would Be Famous For:
What They Would Get Arrested For:
OC You Ship Them With:
OC Most Likely To Murder Them:
Favorite Movie/Book Genre:
Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche:
Talents and/or Powers:
Why Someone Might Love Them:
Why Someone Might Hate Them:
How They Change:
Why You Love Them: 

Now, let the fun begin.

Full Name: P9G8-ET2-X119 or “P”
Gender and Sexuality: Female and ?
Pronouns: She/her
Ethnicity/Species: A mixture of things, mostly Indian/Caucasian / Human
Birthplace and Birthdate: The Sand. Unknown.
Guilty Pleasures: Magazines and old books
Phobias: The blood sickness, water
What They Would Be Famous For: Being one of the few medically trained personnel in The Sand.
What They Would Get Arrested For: Murder.
OC You Ship Them With: Willow and Jonas
OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Efeara Tact
Favorite Movie/Book Genre: They don’t have movies, but she likes old vampire novels.
Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: No movies.  Romance in vampire novels.
Talents and/or Powers: SPOILERS.
Why Someone Might Love Them: Determined, smart, medically inclined
Why Someone Might Hate Them: Hot-headed, scardy cat, constantly making bad decisions.
How They Change: She falls in love with Willow and then Jonas and she never thought that she would ever really be like that. She never thought of herself as the type of girl who went out and tried to find romance.  She honestly thought all she would do is die alone in the desert.
Why You Love Them: She’s headstrong and opinionated, but she’s also a hero.  Not the hero archtype, mind, but she’s willing to do what she needs to in order to save her city.

Full Name: Willow
Gender and Sexuality: Female and pansexual
Pronouns: she/her
Ethnicity/Species: Black/human
Birthplace and Birthdate: Unknown. Unknown.
Guilty Pleasures: She likes to talk in riddles.
Phobias: She’s afraid of being alone.
What They Would Be Famous For: Being so incredibly badass.
What They Would Get Arrested For: Murder.
OC You Ship Them With: Jonas and P
OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Efeara Tact
Favorite Movie/Book Genre: No movies, but she likes action novels
Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: No movies. She hates mysteries. She always guesses the ending.
Talents and/or Powers: She’s great at reading people.
Why Someone Might Love Them: Because she’s a catch, honestly.  Witty and mysterious and can kick your ass.
Why Someone Might Hate Them: Never says what she means, avoids conflict, hates change.
How They Change: She hates conflict, but when faced with the disaster that is P’s current life she gladly goes into harms way to face her demons.
Why You Love Them: Because she’s this fantastically mysterious character that is mysterious and can kick your ass, but she’s like “nah bruh, not today.  I’m just not feeling this conflict sitch.”

Full Name: Jonas
Gender and Sexuality: Male and polyamorus
Pronouns: He/him
Ethnicity/Species: Most closely related to Guatemalan or Hispanic and Caucasian / Human
Birthplace and Birthdate: Unknown. Unknown.
Guilty Pleasures: He really, really, really likes coffee.
Phobias: Blood, metal, fingernails
What They Would Be Famous For: For defeating a horrible enemy bent on world destruction.  Or you know, owning that one coffee shop.
What They Would Get Arrested For: Murder.
OC You Ship Them With: Willow and P.
OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Efeara Tact
Favorite Movie/Book Genre: No movies. Doesn’t read. He prefers old vehicle manuals.
Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: N/A
Talents and/or Powers: He’s got three nipples.
Why Someone Might Love Them: He’s sarcastic and witty and likes to push people’s buttons, but he’s very cute so he usually gets away with it.
Why Someone Might Hate Them: He’s kind of a dick.
How They Change: He kind of becomes less of a dick because he realizes that it’s not like cool.
Why You Love Them:  Because he’s an adorable puppy-eyed previous ball of fluff.  He’s strong and cool, but he’ll fall apart at the weirdest things.  He’s this tall tough guy, but he hates blood? I don’t know Jonas is my true love.

Out of City of Glass, moving on to these fuckers.

Full Name: Asher
Gender and Sexuality: Male and Straight
Pronouns: He/Him
Ethnicity/Species: White/Human
Birthplace and Birthdate: New York, NY. Unknown timeline.
Guilty Pleasures: Gossip magazines, good coffee, his underage roommate
Phobias: Sex, aliens, war
What They Would Be Famous For: Being a prisoner of war who has no idea that the war ended.
What They Would Get Arrested For: Having amnesia and trying to chase after a young girl in the streets of New York.
OC You Ship Them With: Calliophe 
OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Dude, I have no idea.
Favorite Movie/Book Genre: Doesn’t have time for movies. Or books.
Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: Does not apply.
Talents and/or Powers: He’s got perfect aim.
Why Someone Might Love Them: He’s very straight forward and just, he always does the right thing even if that means something bad for him.
Why Someone Might Hate Them: He’s got a very single-minded way of looking at things.
How They Change: He sleeps with an underage girl because he finally wants to do something for himself.  Kind of fucks up his life a little, but he doesn’t really regret it.
Why You Love Them: He’s my problematic little soldier.  

Full Name: Calliophe
Gender and Sexuality: Female and Straight
Pronouns: she/her
Ethnicity/Species: White/Unknown
Birthplace and Birthdate: Unknown/Unknown
Guilty Pleasures: Building bombs, mathematics, reading smut
Phobias: Bright lights, loud humming, snow
What They Would Be Famous For: Being a childhood genius.
What They Would Get Arrested For: Blowing someone or something up.
OC You Ship Them With: Asher.
OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Asher.
Favorite Movie/Book Genre: Pearl Harbor. Historical Fiction.
Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: Anything romantic.  Bosoms heaving.
Talents and/or Powers: She’s a genius.
Why Someone Might Love Them: She’s smart as hell, and very good at getting what she wants.
Why Someone Might Hate Them: She’s kind of naive and a total tease. 
How They Change: She lost her parents in a huge war and became this timid little thing that just allowed things to happen to her.  Asher was her fierce protector until he was taken by the enemy.  Then she became hard, at only 18 she became this hard woman who would cut a bitch if they got too close.  She came out of her shell and started this whole arc where she tried desperately to get Asher back.
Why You Love Them: She’s not human.

Out of these fuckers and into SWTOR

Full Name: Meerit Dezrien
Gender and Sexuality: Female and All the things, especially blondes.
Pronouns: My Lord, Sir, her, she
Ethnicity/Species: White/Human, force sensitive 
Birthplace and Birthdate: Alderaan and idk what the date was 
Guilty Pleasures: Killing Jedi by the hundreds.  Okay, so not really.  She’s evil, but she’s not without mercy.  
Phobias: Her Master Darth Zash. Her Families legacy. Cyborgs. Being deemed “too soft” to be Sith.
What They Would Be Famous For: Making the ground quake with The Force.  Being imprisoned for a few thousand years.
What They Would Get Arrested For: Capital crimes against humanity.
OC You Ship Them With: No, OC really.  Though she’s partial to @merrywanderer-inwonderland ‘s OC Karia as well as Phasma.
OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Definitely Zehui @wanderingpulse ‘s OC.
Favorite Movie/Book Genre: Definitely anything super romantic and mushy.  Romance all around.  Especially lesbian romance.
Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: She hates violent films.  And books about war and history.
Talents and/or Powers: Force sensitive, can shoot lightning, darksided
Why Someone Might Love Them: She’s sometimes merciful when the mood strikes.
Why Someone Might Hate Them: She’s a raging bitch and a murderer. 
How They Change: Her eyes change from green to red because she kills a lot of people.
Why You Love Them: She’s kind of old evil and it makes me a little bit happy.

Out of SWTOR and into POWER

Full Name: Ophelia Alexiel Sloan
Gender and Sexuality: Female and Straight
Pronouns: She/her
Ethnicity/Species: White/Human?
Birthplace and Birthdate: Greenwood, Illinois and April 1995
Guilty Pleasures: She’s crazy.
Phobias: The voices she hears, Gabriel
What They Would Be Famous For: For being crazy.
What They Would Get Arrested For: For screaming back the the voices.
OC You Ship Them With: Gabriel.
OC Most Likely To Murder Them: None.
Favorite Movie/Book Genre: EVERYTHING SHAKESPEARE.
Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: Shakespeare.
Talents and/or Powers: She can hear voices.
Why Someone Might Love Them: She’s very charming and polite.
Why Someone Might Hate Them: She’s also a killer.
How They Change: She really kind of goes on this downward spiral.  She wants to get rid of the voices in her head, but then she goes insane without them and it just kind of goes from there.
Why You Love Them: She’s totally batshit insane.

Full Name: Gabriel Hampton Stone
Gender and Sexuality: Male/Straight
Pronouns: He/him
Ethnicity/Species: White/Human?
Birthplace and Birthdate: Chicago, Illinois and September 1993
Guilty Pleasures: Cute girls who like to read
Phobias: fucking bugs
What They Would Be Famous For: Being murdered.
What They Would Get Arrested For: Nothing, he’s a saint.
OC You Ship Them With: None.  Keep Ophelia away from him.
OC Most Likely To Murder Them: OPHELIA PROBABLY.
Favorite Movie/Book Genre: He loves Zombie movies.  He loves books about architecture. 
Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: He hates romantic comedies, he thinks they’re overdone in movies and in literature.  But he does like a good romance, don’t get him wrong.
Talents and/or Powers: Unknown.
Why Someone Might Love Them: Because he’s a saint and has the cutest little grin.
Why Someone Might Hate Them: He’s too fucking nice.
How They Change: YOU’LL SEE.
Why You Love Them:  Because he’s precious, obviously.

Video Game Mockaries: Dating My Daughter – Part 2

Hello again, everyone. I’ve returned from my venture out into the world and have devoured my rose petal ice cream only to return to this immediately when I come home. With 13 as my co-pilot and kuresoto, our number one fan. 

Me: *clears throat and cracks knuckles* let’s McFucking do this. 
Thirteen: I would say I am mentally prepared but I am not.
Thirteen: Bring it on.

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Me:  I love how “Father-daughter” is in quotations 
Thirteen:  I’ll just assume Humbert is already perving over her.

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Me:  UM. I’M NOT READY FOR THIS. 
Thirteen:  “Don’t act like a perv” IS NOT ADVICE THAT SHOULD EVER BE NECESSARY FOR THIS SCENARIO.
Me:  I DON’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT THIS IS GOING TO BE LIKE. I’M TOO AFRAID TO “CLICK ANYWHERE TO CONTINUE” 
Thirteen:  Jesus, same. And I’m not even fucking playing it. 
Me: *CLOSES EYES AND CLICKS SOMEWHERE ON THE SCREEN*

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Me:  I stared at this for like…three minutes.
Me: What is that?
Me: are those hands? 
Thirteen: I think we’re looking at a POV looking down at his hands in his lap
Thirteen: And apparently he’s wearing skinny jeans.
Thirteen: Or has very hairy legs. 
Me:  Wait…is his leg bent? 
Thirteen:  Yes, I think. One foot tucked behind his ankle. 
Me: A++ art.

Okay so he just keeps going on and on about being nervous this part is boring as fuck.

Then this motherfucker has this long internal monologue about how there’s no reason to be nervous, bringing us here:

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Me:  WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, HUMBERT? 
Thirteen:  I like how he’s hoverhanding his own hands
Thirteen: Even he doesn’t want to touch himself.

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Me:  You’d think he would have asked for like a picture or something? This is his fucking…daughter. 
Thirteen:  Yeah I mean you’d think they’d exchange that shit when she first made contact. 
Thirteen:  But I guess we can’t have the gross “surprise” of his boner popping up because she’s ~so hot~. 
Me:  AUGH. Of COURSE THAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN. 
Thirteen:  What else did you expect? 
Me:  For me to never ever be playing a “game” like this. 
Thirteen:  Well, yes.

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Me: Yeah, you’d like that. Wouldn’t you, Humbert?
Thirteen:  I hate myself for immediately thinking “~and bad girls need to be punished!~” 
Me:  I think we need to consider getting you professional help for your apparent internet addiction. 
Thirteen:  No I’m just a terrible person.

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Me:  Has…has he been saying all of this out loud? 
Thirteen:  Pfft hahahaahah 
Thirteen:  Apparently so.
Me:  I’m just imagining some old lady sitting next to him and clutching her purse tighter next to her. 
Thirteen:  Dude, same, old lady. Same.

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Me:  I wish he’d stop calling it that. At this point he’s still talking out loud and the old lady is getting her ass up to leave. 
Thirteen:  I wouldn’t even mind the “date” thing except I know it’s inevitably leading up to its disgusting, sticky conclusion. 
Me:  With optional bestiality.
Thirteen:  Oh yes
Thirteen: Of course
Thirteen: Can’t forget that shit
Thirteen: No matter how hard I try.

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Me:  THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS STILL AT HOME? WHAT THE FUCK. 
Thirteen:  Admiring his dildo pile 
Me:  This whole time I thought he was waiting at the airport or some shit. No he’s just staring at his giant pile of dildos. 
Me:  And ominous shadow in his TV. 
Thirteen:  Perhaps it’s a Shadowman come to claim him. But unlikely. Even they want nothing to do with this. 
Me:  They’re probably drawing straws to get to see who had to drag his ass down to hell.

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Me: door. bells.
Thirteen:  It Begins.

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Me:  It did this weird shaky animation and I was like what is happening.
Thirteen:  When did we move from dildo room to the kitchen 
Me:  After the earthquake. 
Thirteen:  And man that is one obnoxious-looking kitchen 
Thirteen:  I’d hate to try and navigate it during Thanksgiving or some shit.
Me:  I mean he does live alone. Not even his only daughter wanted to see him on holidays. So I assume he spends thanksgiving like looking at daddy daughter porn or some shit. 
Thirteen:  And eating week-old KFC.
Me:  Because grease makes great lube. 
Thirteen:  Plus who can get enough of the erotic scent of fried chicken?

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Me:  I wanna punch him in the face. 
Thirteen:  Lazy, perhaps. Disgusting, yes. An ass, absolutely.

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Me:  Ah yes. Door bells. This is obviously how it’s said. 
Thirteen:  Onomatopoeias are myths invented by the liberals. 
Me: Let her in, man. 
Thirteen:  Or don’t!
Thirteen: And save everyone!

Then Humbert is useless and it takes him like 900 more years to open the door. He keeps having dumb conversations with himself about how he hopes his daughter likes his house or some other dumb shit like how nervous he is. 

Thirteen:  Unfortunately, she did not just walk off. 

And then: 

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Me:  Woe I must venture through the valley of the shadow of incest in order to let in this man’s daughter. 
Thirteen:  Godspeed, you crazy motherfucker.

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Me:  OH MY GOD HUMBERT IS THERE A WORLD IN WHICH YOU’RE NOT USELESS. 
Thirteen:  Probably the same one where he isn’t disgusting.
Thirteen: So
Thirteen: no 
Me:  LOCAL MAN CONTINUES TO MONOLOGUE INSTEAD OF LETTING HIS DAUGHTER INTO HIS HOUSE AND SHE GETS KIDNAPPED BY LOCAL HOOLIGANS. THE END. 
Thirteen:  STRANGELY, IT TURNS OUT BETTER FOR HER.

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Me:  THIS GIRL IS TWELVE.
Thirteen:  The Lolita theme fits then! 
Thirteen:  Oh but, ~she’s 18~! Totally legal! 
Thirteen:  Jesus that face is creepy and chipmunky. 
Me:  Plus her body looks all sorts of deformed. Also where is her luggage?
Thirteen:  what do you think her “boobs” are?
Me: WELP. FULL SPEED AHEAD, I GUESS. 

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Me:  noooooo you’re not. 
Thirteen:  I wanted to say “I bet you are, Lolita” but since we actually named them that it’s not even a joke.
Me:  Nothing is funny and everything hurts. 
Thirteen:  And just think, we choose this. And by “we” I mean “you”. 
Me:  Well. You didn’t even try to stop me so. 
Thirteen:  Okay fair
Thirteen: But still
Thirteen: Like you would have listened.
Me:  I wouldn’t have. You’re right. 
Thirteen:  …also, does this look like a hotel to you? Because it does to me. 
Me:  Yes, it does look like a creepy pedo hotel. 
Thirteen:  Man, she probably caught the eye of every one of his pedo neighbors.
Me:   Quick, Humbert! Piss on her! Claim your property 
Thirteen:  Is that on the fetish list? 
Me:  I just thought “Unfortunately no” and idk what that says about me as a person. 
Thirteen:  Well, it would be better than the bestiality. Mildly. 

So they awkwardly converse in the hallway for a while. She introduces herself as his daughter. Blah blah blah more bullshit about “Wow look at how much you’ve grown”. I’m sorry for being so rude blah blah blah. 

To be continued…

Video Game Mockaries: Dating My Daughter

NSFW Warning

And as always, with 13 as my captive audience, over 2000 miles away, we discovered something rather troubling. It was a game, of sorts, more like a dating sim. Where you date uh…your *ahem* …biological daughter whom you haven’t seen in several years following your divorce from her mother. 

Wonder why you got divorced dude. 

After much deliberation wherein Thirteen and I discuss my very sanity and the depth of my self-hatred, my curiosity got the better of me and I downloaded the game. 

And so it begins, with a loading screen. 

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Thirteen: Oh good. 
Thirteen: Well. At least it’s honest about the terrible, terrible thing it is from the beginning. 
Santiago: (my partner, off in the wings) Why is there a butt?
Me: Don’t ask. You really, really don’t want to know. 

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Me: What do we name him?
Thirteen:  I feel like it needs to be something appropriately horrid yet hilarious to fit out avat–Humbert? 
Me: Yes. 
Thirteen: Amazing. And terrifying. 

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Me: We must name the girl.
Thirteen:  Welp I mean the obvious answer is Lolita to match.
Me: Of course, but Delores or Lolita?
Thirteen:  Lolita. Dolores is a touch more subtle but I don’t see a reason to waste subtlety on this shit.

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Me: WE’RE ONE PAGE IN AND I’M ALREADY CHOKING HALF TO DEATH.
Thirteen:  Spoiler Alert: it was to avoid you, you disgusting subhuman filth! 
Me:  Also there’s no sound so this is fucking eerie as fuck. 
Thirteen:  Ew. 
Thirteen: Well.It was going to be super creepy anyway.
Me:  at least I can play it without headphones.

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Me:  These ellipses sure are ominous 
Thirteen:  I would say “only because we know where this is going” but no 
Thirteen:  They pretty much are regardless.
Thirteen:  And you know. I just KNOW every time people make sure to point out a character is 18 that that means they actually aren’t. 
Thirteen:  So. Yeah. :I

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Me:  Um. Someone is a little too excited. 
Thirteen:  o___o 
Thirteen:  This is really bad coming off Dream Daddy because I’m trying to squish down residual “awww” feelings because I know this is going to be terrible. 
Me:  I keep thinking about Dream Daddy too. It can’t save us now. 
Thirteen:  On one hand I need Golden Child and her totally-sweet-and-non-creepy dad to make things better, on the other I want them FOREVER AWAY FROM THIS.

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Thirteen: Is that a pile of weird dildos and/or other sex toys at the left
Me:  He’s only getting ready to entertain his daughter. 
Thirteen:  There’s totally at least two dicks in there.
Thirteen: Oh well of course
Thirteen:  Why didn’t I think of that

*DES IS GETTING ICE CREAM BREAK*

Happy New Year!

Stayed single almost the whole year?

Haven’t been single since 2008.

Were involved In something you’ll never forget?
Dude yeah.

Tripped over a coffee table?
Lol yes.

Dyed your hair?
Yes.

Came close to losing your life?
Don’t THINK so?

Saw one of your favorite bands/artists live?
Nnnah.

2018: FRIENDS & ENEMIES…

Did you meet any new friends this year?
Yeah, tons.

Did you hate anyone?
Yes.

Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
NYes

Did you miss any friends?
Yes

2018: YOUR BIRTHDAY…

Did you have a cake?
Nope, pie.

Did you have a party?
Yes

Did you get any presents?
Yes

2018: ALL ABOUT YOU…

Did you change at all this year?
Yes!

Were you in school?
No 🙂

Did you own a car?
Yes.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes!  Everyone is always having babies in my family, it seems.  My brother had his third kid.  

Did you go on any vacations?
SO MANY!!!! It’s like NONSTOP.

2018: WRAP UP…

Was 2018 a good year?
UHHHHHHH??? It was hard.

Do you think 2019 will top 2018?
No idea, m8.

Do you think 2017 will top 2016?
I don’t…remember??

IN THE YEAR 2018 I CONFESS THAT I…

Kissed in the snow?
Naawww

Done something you’ve regretted?
Yeaaa…

Painted a picture?
Lol sure.

Wrote a poem?
Yes.

Ran a mile?
No

Visited a foreign country?
No

Cut in a line of waiting people?
Maybe at BART?

IN 2018 I…

Broke a promise?
No.

Lied?
Yes.

Disappointed someone close?
I’ve always been a disappointment to my parents!

Had a secret?
Yes.

Pretended to be happy?
Yes.

Slept under the stars?
No…

Kept your new year’s resolution?
I don’t make those.

Forgot your new year’s resolution?
Don’t make them.

Met someone who changed your life?
Yes.

Changed your outlook on life?
Yeah.

Sat home all day doing nothing?
Yeah, for a little while, I think.

Learned something new about yourself?
Yup.

Met great people?
YEAH!

Kissed someone that means a lot to you?
Yes.

Stayed up till sunrise?
Plenty of long nights.

Cried over the silliest thing?
Yes.

Had friends who were drifting away from you?
Always.  It’s part of growing up.

Had a high cell phone bill?
Nah.

Spent most of your money on food?
Yeaaah.

Had a fist fight?
Nah.

Gotten sick?
Yeah.

Liked more than 5 people at the same time?
*shrugs*

Became closer with a lot of people?
Nah.

Song that reminds you of summer 2018?
High Hopes – Panic! At the Disco

Lost any friends this year?
I’d actually say they lost me.

When people say, “Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever talked shit about anyone” do you think it’s possible?
No.

How do you feel about gay marriage?
It’s gr8.

Give me a random lyric from the song you’re listening to:
Not listening to anything.

Do you think you’re approachable?
Unfortunately yes.

Do you make sexual innuendos about everything?
Ha.

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
Nope!

Who is the last person you texted?
My mom?

Song playing right now?
The fan hitting the blinds and pissing me off?