& it kills me every time

So tired.  I can’t even function, think straight.  But…but…I’ll be up all night in tears again.  You don’t know what you do to me.

Nothing makes sense, nothing makes sense anymore.  It’s not right when you’re gone.  It just isn’t.  I stay up and I try not to call you.  I try to wait until you call me, but I’m so addicted to your voice that it’s so hard for me to even imagine being without it.

You.  You on the other hand.  You don’t feel anything do you?  You don’t understand why I’d need you so much.  Or how much it hurts to only be permitted to need you for one day a week.

It gets harder every time.  Especially when that phone rings and I know you have to disappear.  

It kills me.  It kills me when you hang up, sigh and stare at me with those big brown eyes.  And I know.  I just know where it’s going.

And you get up and you leave, tell me you have to and if it were my choice.  You can’t make promises anymore.  And I can’t take the broken hearts.  Littered with the knowledge of paper, the title of “pure” and the quantity of “six”.

You kill me.  And you don’t even know it.

the way i want this to be always

It’s been so long, I’d forgotten how good it felt to rest against you like this.  I know we’re both crying now, but I can’t help thinking how amazing it feels to have my face resting against your chest and your arm around me.  

I can’t explain it, but I want to be here with you…like this forever.  It’s comforting to feel this sensation of belonging.  Your hand brushes over my hair and down my back and I’ve never felt so much love for you.

The way things are right now, with you smiling down at me, kissing the top of my head and lacing your free hand with the one I placed on your chest…I wouldn’t trade this for the world.  I feel the sting of tears being brought forth and a smile coming to my lips.  

My thoughts immediately shift to a song from the opera we watched together and I feel the tears roll down from my eyes, down my cheeks and over my lips.  

I never knew I’d love you so much, but I do.

Fools Who Rush In, Burn Out

This is an introspection, my own personal thoughts of where I am right now, a diary entry if you will.

I hate the way I feel right now, so close yet so out of reach.  I feel like I’m not changing, not making with the “new”.  I still want the same things, I’m still striving for the same things, I’m still stuck.  I feel like I’m stuck, sinking in mud.  I’m not really worth anything, am I?

I keep telling myself things like that.  Things like, I’m never gonna be anyone, but it really isn’t true.  I can be anything.  Yes, I am confirming that the thing everyone’s mother told them when they were younger is absolutely 100% true.  We can still be anything we want to be. 

I want to say something about being broken hearted and feeling alone, but I’m reminded that I don’t honestly feel alone…just…confused.  I know what I want in the long run, but in the now…I’m struggling to keep it together.  It’s strange after a year to be single again, but I honestly don’t feel single.  I feel the same, but I feel like a certain other person might be breaking off, branching out…and I’m still holding on.  

I’m always holding on, why can’t I just let go?  If I don’t learn how to let go of the important things, if I don’t learn how to just let it work itself out…then how will I ever function in society?  I already know the outcome, I already know that this will get better.  I already know I wont give up.  

And like a certain someone told me: “I’m not going anywhere”…you really aren’t are you?  You’ll stay the same in this even if I feel like you’re zooming lightyears ahead of me and starting your brand new life…without me…while I’m still stuck here.

But this is it right?  I’ve got to learn to stand on my own!  I have to know I can do this without you, without my family, without anyone but God to hold me up.  You’ve got to know it too, don’t you?  You need to know this too.  We have to stand alone before we can stand together, don’t we?

I’m amused, this whole introspection ended up being a letter to you about how I feel about us.  I still love you, y’know.  I promised you…a long time ago that I’d never stop.  But…in a way, I’m glad that this is over.  I don’t want all the pressure and the fights and the pain.  It’s not like I’m losing you 100% is it?  No, we’ll always be friends.  That’s one thing I’ve learned.  That I can’t really ever exist without you.  You’re my heart.  

I was told, by my mother once that…in life, you really only make two really good friends.  The first one is God and the second one is the man you fall in love with.  

I don’t feel like I’m losing you, I just feel like I’m losing the “us” we used to be.  That old, broken, depressed, trustless version of us.  The paranoid, jealous, unhappy version of us.  The one where accusations and assumptions defined it.  It obviously wan’t based on the friendship we claimed to have before we were together.

But after all this…I can understand now.

You were right, you know…

We did rush into it.

How Do I deserve You?

I feel abandoned, lost amongst this vast sea of heartbreak.  I never thought I’d ever feel I had to be punished for loving, but I realize now that it never really brings you any joy in life.  So many expectations and yet, I crave it like I crave the air I breathe, the food I eat, the water I drink.  I eat it like candy or any type of pleasant-tasting food.  I fill my lungs with it, the emotion runs through my veins and boils over.  Love is worth the pain.

I feel ugly like my soul is shoved into the wrong body.  I stare at this skin, covered in scars and marks, tiny scratches and stretches from where my skin is straining to hold me in.  How my hair doesn’t fall down my back like perfect straight silk, how my pale pink lips are peeling from the harsh winter air and they don’t look like all the other girl’s lips.  How my nose is so pointed and sloped, my hands hold no talent for anything but typing.  My eyes are cold, uninviting.  Everything about me screams for people to stay away.  My body is worn, weak, covered in small bruises and everything about my appearance is sickening.  Yet…

Here you are, staring at me, my whole body naked before you and you look as if you can’t get enough.  You’re ravenous for this girl, the person I am.  The girl who stands before you, insecure and terrified of being classified as useless.  Your eyes show nothing but love.

You’re beautiful.  Or as beautiful as anyone could describe a man.  Your skin is smooth and soft, despite your constant complaint about it.  And your body is perfection, I could stare at it all day.  The soft curves of your chest, the hairs that lead from your chest down over your stomach and to the top of your pants.  The way your stomach dips in and how my head fits perfectly against your shoulder.  Your long, strong throat is perfect, covered in the short hairs of your beard.  Most women would complain about your facial hair, but me?  I’ve never found a problem with it.  In reality, I find it sexy.  You hair is soft and silky smooth with a shine I wish my own locks could muster.  I can’t remember seeing anyone so attractive.  

Your eyes sparkle and your lips are perfect, smooth and soft beneath my fingers.  I can’t get enough of you.  The way you smell, the way you taste, how your body feels strong, safe, comfortable.  You’re amazing.  

And me? I’m not even average.

Introspection: Labor

You act like you’re the only person in the world who has ever been stressed or… inconvenienced.
But you don’t even see the people practically detonating all around you.
Your tiny amount of stress
is almost

                                                                                   Laughable.