MCU Rewatch: The Avengers

So I know I didn’t post my Iron Man 2, Thor, or Captain America: The First Avenger threads here, but my Avengers thread on my Twitter broke so I promised everyone I would have this up tonight. You’ll have to wait a little longer for the other three.

Good morning everyone and to all my new followers. Hello. I am live tweeting The Avengers today. Cause I can’t stop, won’t stop.

I made an ALL NEW Bingo card, so be sure to have it ready during my tweets! Anyone who wins will probably get a free doodle. SOOOO. (Winner is Rae still. She’s the reining champion).

Oh look! This one STARTS with Marvel! In fact, I almost missed it because it literally started right when I started the movie, but caught it on this cool lookin blue fire smoke screen. So that’s cool.

OH. It’s the FUCKING TESSERACT. Anyone else sick of this fucker? Cause I am.

No wait. Paramount is still here. Marvel is just first now.

AND IT IS ALSO IN A FUCKING TESSERACT.

SERIOUSLY CAN Y’ALL CHILL TF OUT.

AUGH I FORGOT THIS MOVIE OPENED WITH THIS FUCKER.

Oh look Loki is alive. I’m not surprised. Dude Thanos’s voice is making me so mad. Like gross. Why.

THEY’RE THE 3 BEST FRIENDS THAT ANYBODY COULD H AVe.


TIL: The tesseract is a she.

Low levels of gamma radiation killed the dinosaurs, Craig.

Man Civil War is gonna be so awkward for me.

Barton: I see better from a distance
Me: yEAH HE DOES.

Clint: Doors open from both sides.
Me: GET THIS MAN A MEDAL HE’S A GENIUS.

HELLO LOKI YOU GIANT ASSHOLE

Wait fuck I looked away for half a second did Loki really just hurt my husband, Clint Barton???

fUCK. He DID.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS.

Loki: I am Loki. Of Asgard. And I am burdened with glorious purpose.
Me: *HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING*

A world free from freedom.

Barton: *shoots fury*
Me: *trying to eat a damn bacon sandwich* *starts CHOKING*


Clint Barton in a fucking car chase is giving me so much life. I get so mad when I think about how they shafted Hawkeye in this series. He’s such a good character and I love him.

Well SHIELD just casually collapsed into a worm hole. That’s fine I guess.

Nick Fury: *jumps out of a flaming helicopter*
Me: what a mAN.

Level 7. Hot diggity dang.

Fury: As of right now…we are at war
Coulson: What do we do?
Title screen:

Me: *HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING*

AND THE MUSIC TOO, Y’ALL. BAAAAMMMBAAABUMMMMMM BA BA BA BA BUM BUM BBABABUAS

NATAAASHAAAAAAA

This man sure tALKS A LOT.

Lol Agent Coulson.

Coulson: Natasha…Barton’s been compromised.
Natasha: ….let me put you on hold.

Natasha: *murdering people*
People: *screaming in pain*
Agent Coulson:

Nice hold music ya got there, Tash.
Coulson: But first we need you to talk to the big guy
Natasha: Coulson you know Stark trusts me about as far as he can throw me
Me: He means Hulk, Nat.
Natasha: O fuk
HUSBANDO

Bruce: You brought me to the edge of the city. Smart. I, uh, assume the whole place is surrounded?
Natasha: Bitch I don’t need a team to beat yo ass.

Nat: We need you to come in.
Banner: What if I say no?
Nat: I’ll persuade you.
Me: yEAH you will.

Nat: Doctor we’re facing a potential global catastrophe
Banner: Now, those I actively dread and avoid
Me: HA.

HOW DARE YOU PUT ON GLASSES AND GET HOTTER YOU FUCKER

Banner: He needs me in a cage
Nat: No one’s gonna put you in a cage.
Banner: *gets pissed off, hits the table* STOP LYING TO ME.
Natasha:

I WON’T HESITATE, B I T C H

Banner: I’m sorry. That was mean.
Me: …………………..*heart racing*
Banner:

oh my god this man is gonna kill me
She is gENUINELY afraid of him and I’m like really mad at Banner because he would hurt my wife like this.
LMAO THE WHOLE AREA WAS SURROUNDED. HILARIOUS.

Council: The avengers initiative was shut down
Fury: This isn’t about the Avengers
Me:

CAPTAIN AMERICAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Fury: Is there anything you can tell us about the tesseract that we ought to know now?
Cap: You should’ve left it in the ocean.
Me: Lol burn.


IS THIS MY NUMBER ONE MOST FAVORITE HUSBANDO???
IT ISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

His fucking voice just makes me like dfsgjhdfhdsufihgdfsgdfs

Pepper: How does it look
Tony: Like Christmas, but with more…me
Me: *fanning self*

Pepper: You need to do some press. I’ll be in DC tomorr—
Tony: Pepper. You’re killing the moment. Remember: enjoy the moment.
Pepper: Then get in here and I will.
Me:

😳
😳
😳
h E L P

Tony: Give yourself some credit. Stark tower is your baby. Give yourself…12% of the credit.
Pepper: b i t c h
Tony:

Tony: I’m gonna pay for that percentages comment in some subtle way later on aren’t I?
Pepper: Not gonna be that subtle

Coulson: Stark we need to talk
Tony: You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark
Me: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Elevator: Opens
Coulson: Sup bitch
Tony: Security breach *to Pepper* this is on you

Pepper: PHIIILLL, come in
Tony: Phil??? His first name is agent.
Me: OH MY GOD STOP BEING SO SASSY I CAN’T KEEP PAUSING THIS

Coulson: *tries to hand him something*
Tony: I don’t like…being handed things.
Pepper: That’s fine, I love to be handed things. Let’s trade.
Tony:

Pepper: *takes file* *gives Coulson champagne* *takes Tony’s champagne, hands him file*
Tony: *fucking BETRAYED*

GOD PEPPER POTTS I LOVE YOU.

Tony: You know, I thought we were having a moment
Pepper: I was having 12% of a moment.
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH
Tony:

pepper you are going to kill me. i have a hEART CONDITION. is that what you want???

Tony is jealous. And now Pepper is just like openly flirting with Tony in front of Coulson and he’s sO uncomfortable. I love this.

Phil: Can I just say? It’s nice to finally meet you. Well, I’ve sort of met you. I watched you. While you were sleeping.
WAKE ME UP. WAKE ME UP INSIDE. I CANT WAKE UP. SAVE ME.

Phil: I mean…I was present….while you were unconscious….from the ice
Me: Phil shut up. ilu. pls stahp.

Phil: I made you clothes
Me: Oh my gOD PHIL.


Look at that. Loki’s back.

Loki: I was a kING. The rightful king of Asgard.
Me:

LOOK AT HOW AFRAID HE IS PROTECT HIM

Me: I hate Loki
Me, 5 seconds later: PROTECT MY SON
Me, another 5 seconds later: FUCK YOU LOKI


Coulson: Agent Romanoff, this is Captain Rogers
Cap: Ma’am
Natasha: ….k *ignores his existence*
Pictured: Natasha’s two boyfriends shaking hands.
Cap: They told me you could find the cube.
Banner: Is that the only word on me?
Cap: Only word I care about.
Me: Oh my god they’re gay.

Lmao Cap just gace Fury $10 that’s fucking hilarious. Help.

Banner: *starts rolling up his sleeves*
Me: *MAKES INHUMAN NOISES* Man I should live stream this shit so y’all can hear the noises I make. Like I literally SCREAM. My neighbors must hate me.

Natasha: *sees Banner rolling up his sleeves*
Cap is being so mean to my husband, Coulson. He gon feel real bad when he dies at the end of this movie.

OR D O E S HE??????


Hawkeye: *shooting people with arrows*
Me: I AM IN LOVE.

Me: *CHOKES ON SCUFFIN* WHO PUT THIS MAN IN A SUIT.
Pictured: Loki in his natural state of fucking up people’s eyeballs.
go back to the suit thanks

Loki: It’s the unspoken truth of humanity that you crave subjugation. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel.

THIS MAN IS A FUCKING HERO. I LOVE YOU GRANDPA.

Grandpa: Not to men like you
Loki: There are no men like me
Grandpa: There are always men like you.

Can we talk about how this hero from Germany is basically calling Loki Hitler right now for being such a giant fucking asshole?

THEN CAP SAVES HIM FROM BEING EXPLODED!!!!! YES!!!!! THANK YOU!!! VETERANS SAVING VETERANS!!!!!!

Tony: *over coms* Agent Romanoff. Did you miss me?

Me: *placing hand over heart* MY LOVE?

TONY STARK JUST PLAYS CLASSIC ROCK FROM THE FUCKING AIRCRAFT LIKE ZOOM ZOOM BITCHES. I FUCKING CAN’T. WHO LET THIS MAN BE A SUPER HERO. HELP.

Brb swooning.

Loki: This hottie just insulted my antlers. Better look hot for him. *antlers disappear*
Me: YEAH BITCH SAME THO
Tony: Mr. Stark was my father
Steve: I know.

Tony: You are pretty spry for an old guy. What’s your thing…Pilates?
Cap: …what
Tony: It’s like calisthenics. You might’ve missed a few things. Doing time as a….capsicle.


Cap: What’s the matter, scared of a little lightning?
Loki: I’m not overly fond of what follows.

These men don’t even know, y’all.

but fr fr did Earth just like…not have thunderstorms in the absence of Thor or like?

Got the perfect pause tbh.
How is this man not dead?

OHWAIT

😒
😒
😒
How does no one think this man is gay. Like. He notices clothes. He stares longingly at Bucky. He flirted with Bruce. He and Tony are like in love or something.
I mean LOOK AT HIS FASHION STRUT

Thor: Where’s the tesseract
Loki: I missed you too
Thor: BITCH DO I LOOK LIKE I’M PLAYIN

Wow I’m 2 for 2 on these gay ass pauses.

Oh my god this scene is killing me. Y’all don’t even do this to me. BE BROTHERS AND BEST FRIENDS.

Thor: GIVE UP THE TESSERACT. GIVE UP THIS POISONOUS DREAM.
Me: omggggggggg

Thor: Listen well, brother
Tony: SUP BITCHESSSSS *tackles Thor*
Loki:

THESE MEN ARE CHILDREN.
Thor: Do not touch me again
Tony: Then don’t take my stuff.
Me: Y’ALL I CAN’T.

Thor: U have no idea what you’re dealing with
Tony: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Shakespeare in the park?
Chris Hemsworth: *trying not to laugh*

Thor: This is beyond you, metal man
Tony: EXCUSE U BITCH
Thor: *throws mew mew*
Tony: …OKAY NOW I’M MAD
Loki: *watching from the cliff* Fuck this shit I’m out

JARVIS: Power at 400% capacity
Tony: Lmao Thor u fucked up

Thor: *is not dead*

Me: Y’all watch Loki
Thor & Tony: ~*~TESTOSTERONE~*~
Me: Y’ALL. WATCH LOKI.
Thor & Tony: *lose Loki*
Me: Y’ALL.

FINALLY DADDY’S HERE TO STOP THESE FUCKING CHILDREN FROM FIGHTING.
Thor’s hammer just hits Steve’s shield and everything explodes and I’m like tHIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING A CHILD.
3 bros chilling in the woods 5 ft apart cause they’re all gay
LOOK AT BANNER CHECKING OUT LOKI LIKE “Oh that man is FOINE”

Loki: *starts insulting Natasha’s husband*
Me: ….
Natasha:

Fury: Well let me know if real power wants a magazine or something.
Me: BWAHAHAHAHA

Bruce Banner thinks Loki is hot. Pass it on.

Cap: An army…from outer space. Goddammit why am I even alive rn.

Bruce: That man’s brain is a BAGE full of cats
Thor: Have care with how you speak. Loki is batshit crazy, but he is of Asgard. And he is my brother.
Natasha: *glances up from filing her nails into daggers* He killed 80 people in like 5 minutes.

Bruce: Why does he need iridium
Tony: *smartest person in room mode* It’s a stabilizing agent.
Me: Oh my god my two husbandos in one room what’s gonna happen~~

GOTTA KISS MYSELF I’M SO PRETTY. I’M TOO HOOOTTT HOT DAMN.

I don’t even know what he’s saying. Something about portals not collapsing and shit? No idea. He’s so hot. Help.

Oh my god every woman in this room is so DONE with Tony Stark. Like how many of them are going to roll their eyes while he’s talking and also checking them out.

Tony: How does Fury even see these?
Agent ya g0rl: He turns. Tony: Sounds exhausting.
Me: Why do I love this man he is so mean.

Tony: Am I the only one who did the reading?
Me: Yeah. You nerd.

Bruce: *saying smart things*
Tony: FINALLY. Someone who speaks English.
Cap: *jealous* is that what just happened?

Cap @ Tony & Bruce

Me @ cap:

LOOK AT HOW TONGUE TIED HE IS. THIS MAN IS IN LOVE. AND COULSON IS IN THE BACKGROUND AGAIN. UNCOMFORTABLY WATCHING TONY FLIRT. OMG.

Thor: Monkies…I do not understand
Cap: I do!
Tony:

Bruce:

Tony and Banner are going off to PLAAAYYY

GALAGA
THESE MEN ARE IN LOVE LOOK AT THEM

Hehehehe they’re playing with Loki’s magic stick someone stop me oh my god. I swear I’m an adult.

Tony: Come to my house Dr. Banner. Meet my girlfriend. She could also be your girlfriend. It’s fine.
Bruce: What?
Tony: What.

Tony: I promise a stress free environment…no surprises…
Also Tony:

Tony: What’s your secret? Bongo drums? Yoga? Huge bag of weed?
Bruce: *giggling like a schoolgirl*

Tony: You’re tip-toeing, big man. You need ta STRUT.
Bruce: I will once 40s over here leaves
Tony: *giggling*
Cap: I don’t get that reference.

Bruce: *eating Tony’s blueberries*
Me: *high pitched screaming*

Cap: The Stark Tower? That big ugly…
Tony: BITCH
Me: BITCH

Bruce: *compliments the building* ilu
Tony: ilu2 *back to cap* I’m kind of the only name in clean energy right now

Cap: Yeah. And you’re all about style aren’t you?

Tony: …dude you’re wearing a spangly outfit so like, first of all how DARE YOU

Tony is so sad and so sassy to Steve because he’s like “My dad loved you more than me, but I’m also smarter and more capable and—” and y’all I am really fucking sad about it.

the star-spangled booty

Tony: That’s the guy my dad never shut up about? Maybe they should’ve kept him on ice.
Bruce: ….oh Tony.

Oh my god they’re so sweet to each other I can’t. Who let me watch this.

THE WAY HE IS LOOKING AT THIS MAN SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED.
Okay but he looks so much better in this film than in Thor and I’m like wow someone learned how to use makeup. A+ brow pencil, babe.
Coulson is gay and dating every Avenger.

Thor feels so much remorse for what happened on earth the last time he was there. And I’m just like…Thor. bby.

Thor: Loki is a prisoner
Fury: Then why do I feel like he’s the only person on this boat that wants to be here?
Me: Y’all ain’t even kNOW

Loki: Not many people can sneak up on me

Nastasha: I had a VERY specific skill set.
Loki:

Natasha: Agent Barton was sent to kill me…he made a different call…
Loki: I like this. Your world hangs in the balance and you bargain for the life of one man.
Natasha: Ha. Regimes fall every day. I tend not to weep over that. I’m Russian.

Nat: I’ve got red in my ledger. I wanna wipe it out.
Loki: Can you? Can you wipe out that much red? Dracoff’s daughter?
Me: PROTECT THIS WOMAN

Loki: Your Ledger is dripping. It’s gushing with red. And you think you can fix it by saving a man who is no more virtuous than yourself?
Me: OH MY GOD STOP.

SCIENCE BOYFRIENDS DECRYPTING SHIT TOGETHER AGAIN

Loki: I wont touch Barton. Not until I make him kill you. Slowly. Intimately. In every way he knows you fear.
Me: OH MY GOD DANGER ALERT
Loki: And he’ll wake long enough to see his good work and when he screams I’ll split his skull
Me: ….WHAT EMO BULLSHIT IS THIS

Loki: This is my bargain you mewling quim
Natasha: You’re a m o n s t er *crying*
Loki: Oh no, you brought the monster

Loki: Wait…what
Natasha: Thanks for being a dumb bitch
Me: LMAOOOOO

do it to ’em
Natasha and Bruce, just openly flirting

Nicky Fury just blames Thor. And Thor is like oh my god wtf.

Tony is annoyed. Everyone else is annoyed. We’re all annoyed.

NICK FURY JUST CALLED STARK OUT. NOW TONY AND STEVE ARE IN AN ARGUMENT.

Tony: wait how is this about me
Steve: I’m sorry, isn’t everything
Me: OH MY GOD LOKI GOT TO ALL OF U

Oh my god the Avengers are arguing. This is how BAD THINGS HAPPEN. DO U GUYS WANT THANOS? BECAUSE THIS IS HOW YOU GET THANOS.

Cap: Take that off, what are u
Tony: In ur bedroom
Cap: What
Tony: ahem…

Nat: I’m into it.

Cap: You’re not the guy to make a sacrifice play. To lay down on a wire and let the other guy crawl over you.
Me: ………………..bitch do you wanna fight, cause I got 14 movies proving you wrong.

Cap: You may not be a threat. But you better stop pretending to be a hero. Tony: A hero? Like you? You’re a laboratory experiment, Rogers. Everything special about you came out of a bottle.
Me: Now I hate to get in the middle of this, but that’s ALSO not true….


Clint Barton is a fucking crazy ass ho. I love him.

Thor: You people are so petty. And Tiny.
Me: Good insult babe. Don’t hurt yourself there.

This scene breaks my heart so fucking much because Banner’s like “I TRIED” and Tony is like “OH MY GOD SOMEONE HELP MY BOYFRIEND”

Everyone is just waiting for him to transform during his speech and I’m like y’all leave him alone. Leave my baby alone.

Dude fr. Everyone is like shitting their pants rn. Hulk is so powerful lmao.

They’re all fighting and I’m like guys save it for Civil War.

Then they get asploded and Cap is like oh fuck Tony put on your suit and Tony is like “SURE THING CAP” and I’m like y’all what the fuck.

Banner and Natasha are in a small space together and I’m like Save my wife, 2k19.

Fucking Barton is a fORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH.

Lol yeah Tony get the suit on.

Bruce: *transforming*

Natasha: *SCARED SHITLESS*

Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Loki is fucking pleased with himself like a fucking asshole.

THE AVENGERS THEEEEME.

Cap and Tony working together like the best bros who I love and they’re the best.

See what happens when y’all don’t fight??? SEE WHAT YOU ACCOMPLISH????

Tony: What’s it look like in there?
Cap: It seems to run on some type of electricity
Tony: well…you’re not wrong.
Me: *screaming*

If Hulk could just like NOT destroy everything that would be great.

Thor vs Hulk. Ultimate cage match.

Tony and Cap being science bros.

WHERE ARE YOU MEW MEW 2K19

Hulk just hops on a jet like time to die I guess.

Tony and Cap are trying to fix one part of the ship while the Hulk just rips everything else apart.

Grenade: SUP
Cap: yeET

LMAO CAP YOU CAN’T JUST PLAY PING PONG WITH GRENADES. YOU DUMBASS.

Oh my god Hawkeye is the fucking bEST

SAVE CAPTAIN AMERICA OH MY GOD.

Loki just tricks Thor. Ok. HE ALWAYS FALLS FOR THIS. I HAVE NO SYMPATHY FOR YOU, THOR.

Natasha vs Clint. ULTIMATE CAGE MATCH x2

Agent Coulson you absolute prince.

LOKI JUST STABS HIM LIKE A FUCKING ASSHOLE YOU CAN’T JUST sTAB PEOPLE LOKI OH MY GOD

Thor and Banner are plummeting down to earth now so I guess that’s happening.

Now Natasha and Clint are pulling each other’s hair. Lol punch that bitch.

I love the Mew Mew sounds. Like she’s so mad at Thor for being such a dumb bitch.

Coulson: You’re going to lose.
Loki: Am I?
Coulson: It’s in your nature.
Loki: Where is my disadvantage?

Also I just shot you…so.

Tony: PULL THE LEVER CAP
Cap: I can’t….I can’t pull the lever
Tony: CAAAPPPPP *getting tossed around like a rag doll*
Cap: I’M WORKING ON IT
Tony: FUCK MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIFE

They’re both ok tho.

YOU CAN’T JUST KILL MY HUSBAND AND EXPECT ME TO BE OK

Fury: Coulson is dead.

Tony & Steve: Goddammit why weren’t we nicer to him.

Me: I TOLD Y’ALL.

Fury: Time to feel REAL bad, Cap.
Me: Oh sHIT.

Fury making his sons feel rEAL bad right now. Do it to ’em.

Banner like: I fell out of the sky and now I’m naked like why does this always happen.

Guard: Big and green and buck ass nude
Me: Sounds like my kinda man.

Guard, calmly: You an alien?
Bruce: Wha?
Guard: You an alien? From outer space?
Bruce: …no
Guard: Well, son. You got a condition.
Me: HAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa


Clint: Do you know what it’s like to be unmade?
Nat: You know that I do.
Me: Oh my gOD


What is with Clint and eye sockets.

Steve: Was he married.
Tony: No
Me: yES HE WAS TO ME

Cap: Is this the first time you’ve lost a soldier?

Tony: WE ARE NOT SOLDIERS

Cap & Tony working together
Being real gay
And lookin real hot

IS ANYONE SURPRISED? NO?

HEEEEE. Cap telling Hawkboi to suit up is my AESTHETIC.

MY BABIESSSSS AVENGINGGGGG

Agent: You’re not authorized to be here


TONY YOU CAN’T JUST BLAST EVERYTHING. OH MY GOD.

Loki: *flirting* Please tell me you’re going to appeal to my humanity.
Tony: uhhhhhh *not falling for his bullshit* actually I’m going to threaten you.

Loki: Oh boo. You should have kept your armor on for that.
Tony: Eh. It’s seen a bit of mileage and you’ve got the uh…glow stick of destiny.
Tom Hiddleston: *trying not to laugh*

Tony: *flirting* Would you like a drink?
Loki: *smirks* Stalling me won’t change anything.
Tony: No, no, no. Threatening. No drink, u sure? I’m having one.
Loki: Who tf is this man

Tony: *talking shit* You managed to piss off everyone.
Loki: That was the plan.
Tony: Not a great plan, you dumb bitch. They’re coming 4 u.

Loki: *clicks tongue* I have an army
Tony: Bitch, we have a hULK

This entire movie is Loki’s audition tape for America’s Next Top Model.

Tony: If we can’t protect the Earth, you can be damn well sure we’ll avenge it.
Loki: I ain’t scurred, bitch.

Tony: *smirking* u should be, bitch.
OH MY GOD LOKI YOU CAN’T JUST THROW PEOPLE OUT WINDOWS.

Tony: And there’s one other person you pissed off. His name is Phil.
Loki: wot
Tony: *shoots him*
Me: LMAOOO do it to ’em, babe.

His audition tape was denied based on this outfit. And also y’know. all the murder.

Thor: LOKI. TURN OFF THE TESSERACT. OR I WILL DESTROY IT.
Loki: YOU CAN’T JUST DESTROY EVERYTHING U ASSHOLE.


Anybody know where Pepper is? Is she still in DC? How long has it been?


2 brooos shooting up Chitari in a jet cause they’re hella dope
WHY DOES THOR ALWAYS BELIEVE HIM AND THEN HE JUST GETS STABBED OH MY gOD

I’m so gay for Hawkeye oh my god.

Nat: Just like Budapest all over again.
Clint: Bitch wtf. You and I remember Budapest VERY differently.


Cap: *hops on a car* I GOT ORDERS MEN

Cop: Why should I take orders from u?
Cap: *flexes*


Cap: We got Stark up top he’s gonna need us to…

Banner: Am I late guys

Bruce: This all seems horrible.
Nat: *checking him out* I’ve seen worse, babe.
Bruce:

Stark: I’m bringing the party to you.

put that back where u found it tony or so help me
marrryyyy meeeeee

YASSSS AVENGERS THEMEEEEEEEEE

Stark: Call it cap.
Cap: Anything 4 u, boo
Stark: Not in front of the kids, honey bunny
Clint: Gimmie a lift
Tony: Yeap. Better clench up Legolas.
Clint: *clenches*

Me: WHY AM I WATCHING THIS MOVIE IT HAS BEEN 5 HOURS.


Hill: Sir. The council is on.
Fury: fuCK the council.

*shoots stuff without looking* *is a badass* *sees everything* *brilliant tactician* *only gets to be cool in this ONE movie*

I’m so mad y’all.

Tony: What else you got?
Clint: Well, Thor’s taking down a squadron down on 6th
Tony: And he didn’t…invite mE.


Steve: If you wanna get up there you’re gonna need a ride
Nat: I got a ride. Could use a boost tho.

Steve: ….uh. You sure about this?
Nat: Nope. *Xena scream*
2 bros fighting side by side on the back of a giant worm cause they’re both gods.

Bruce: *punches Thor*
Me: lMAO. Same.


Craig woke up and now he’s like o goddammit why did I do this.

Craig @ Craig:


Clint: *saving Nat’s ass*
Me: *swooning*
FUCK LOKI WHY

Arrow: *explodes*
Loki:

*spongebob meme*

Hulk @ Loki:


Craig comes thru. Get that scepter, babe.


Jarvis: Sir we will use power before we penetrate that shell
Tony:


Hawkeye just ran out of arrows and he’s like “TIME TO PUNCH A BITCH” GOD HE’S SO COOL. CLINT BARTON IS SO COOL.


Lmao Fury just shoots a jet with a grenade launcher. Fucking badass.

They’re just gonna nUKE NEW YORK. OH MY GOD. PETER PARKER LIVES THERE YOU CAN’T dO THIS.

ANTHONY EDWARD STARK YOU BETTER NOT DIE ON ME.

Jarvis: Sir…shall I try Ms. Potts? T
ony: …might as well
Me: NO OH MY GOD
DON’T HURT HER LIKE THIS 2K19
TONY STARK YOU ASSHOLE
WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME
NO

SCIENCE BOYFRIENDS 2K19
Everyone like: IS HE ALIVE????
BE ALIVE DAMMIT

(i say. like i haven’t seen every fucking marvel movie including this one.)

Bruce: *YELLS*
Tony: *COMES BACK TO LIFE*
Me: THAT WAS TRUE LOVE’S KISS I’M CALLING IT

Tony: Please tell me nobody kissed me
Me: Lmao.

Tony: LEt’s just not come in tomorrow. Let’s just take a day. You ever tried shawarma? There’s a shawarma place a few blocks from here. I don’t know what it is but I wanna try it.
Me: tONY OHMYGOD

Avengers @ Loki:

someone put flower crowns on this pls

Loki: *flirting* If it’s all the same to you…I’ll have that drink now.
Tony: OFFER’S NOT ON THE TABLE ANYMORE BETCH

*chuckles* I’m in danger.

Lmao people getting facial hair like Tony Stark. Oh my god.

THIS MAN
BRING HER BACK 2K19

They just let Thor take the tesseract like a fucking fucker.

SCIENCE BOYFRIENDS BACK AT IT AGAIN

Council: Was that the point of all this? A statement?
Fury: *laughs* No bitch. It’s a promise.

SCIENCE BOYFRIEND & GIRLFRIEND
OH BOY

The Avengers theme is so fucKING GOOD.

SHAWARMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

That concludes my 7 hour long live-tweet of The Avengers. Thank you. I cannot believe it took me this long to tweet all of this.

Iron Man | The Incredible Hulk | Iron Man 2 | Thor | Captain America: The First Avenger

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Thank you.

MCU Re-watch: Iron Man

I’m re-watching the entirety of the MCU, these are my live tweets.

And so it begins. My rewatch of Iron Man is starting….now. Fair warning, this will probably be a thirst thread because I am thirsty for Tony Stark. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

Okay they’re in the desert. Nice mountains. Some cars are driving. HELL YEAH CLASSIC ROCK IS PLAYING. I haven’t seen this movie in 10 years so this is kind of all new to me again.

The first song of the MCU is Back in Black – AC/DC and I’m like this is PERFECT.


RDJ speaks and I start giggling.

Oh my god he’s a total asshole.

Tony Stark: I don’t wanna see this on your myspace Me: OH MY GOD I’M OLD.

Oh no oh no oh no. Someone save this poor asshole from these explosions! I’m so upset about these poor soldiers that just died. Also why is his phone making that noise.

Stark Industries bomb: WADDAP
Me: *singing Poetic Justice* BE BETTER, TONY. I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.

Wow Tony built his first circuit board at 4. And then his first engine at 6. They made America a woman? Sure don’t seem that way >>.


WOW OLD RHODEY. I have CHILLS.

Where is Tony? I forgot what happened to him in this scene. Oh right he’s gambling. Of course he is.

WOW HAPPY LOOKS SO DIFFERENT Y’ALL. EVERYONE IS HOT IN THIS MOVIE.

Hello Christine Everhart.

Christine: You’ve been called the DaVinci of our time, what do you say to that?
Tony: Absolutely ridiculous, I don’t paint.
Me: HA
Christine: And what about your other nickname, “The Merchant of Death” Me: oh fuck

Wow Christine and Tony just going at it. Tag yourself I’m JARVIS wakin her up and bein like “Get out. Thanks.”

OH LOOK IT’S CALIFORNIA!

I completely forgot about this part. Why do I keep forgetting things?

Pepper is just like “Hey. Time to leave Christine.”

Christine: After all these years, Tony still has you picking up his dry cleaning
Pepper: I do anything and everything Mr. Stark requires, including occasionally taking out the trash.
Me: OH SHIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTT!!!!!!!


I’m crying about about Pepper and Tony right now. They’re so cute oh my god help? Originally I didn’t care for this relationship, but knowing all I know now I’m like THESE CHILDREN.

Rhodey is so mad. And tbh I would be too. Cause they just straight up replaced him in the second movie lmao.

Even arguing they take the hot towel and I’m like yeah. Yeah hot towels are amazing.

Someone explain to my gay ass why Tony Stark looks so hot here:

Uh….Rhodey????????

Calm down, Tony Stark, you edge-lord.

THIS MOTHERFUCKING SCENE

Why TF is he calling Tony while he’s shirtless? UMMM?? Is this some kind of weird power play or something?

The moment when you see them put the magnet which would eventually become part of the arc reactor into Tony’s chest and you’re like

😱

Tony: *pulling long tube out of his nose* Me: *SCREAMING AND GAGGING* EWWWWWWWAUUGHHH

Tony waking up and finding the arc reactor like “What the fuck???”

For a genius Tony is a fucking moron. You wanna know how that got your guns, Tony? They fucking stole them. Or maybe someone sold them to them. Illegally. Wow did he really think that the US Military were the only people to use his weapons?

Wow he just called Tony the most famous mass murderer in all of history. That’s gotta suck. What an intense wake up call.

And he just refused to build the missile and now they’re torturing him. And now he’s seeing how much of his tech they actually have in this war.

Oh god the moment where Tony realizes they’re going to kill him once he builds the missile and he’s just like “fuck” and I’m like “fuck.”

Tony and Yinsen, hostage bros for life.

Yinsen: That could run your heart for 50 lifetimes
Tony: …*looks sad and contemplative* yeah. Or something big for 15 minutes.
Me: *eating a sandwich and sobbing*

The Ten Rings trying to figure out why the fuck the shit Tony’s making doesn’t look like the picture: Maybe it’s backwards?
Me: Oh y’all.

NO YINSEN. I mean I know he’s not gonna make it, but like I don’t want him to swallow a hot coal.

Me: *swooning*

OH MAN TONY IS JUST LIKE TIME TO BLOW EVERYTHING UP.

YINSEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

Tony is comin for all y’all bitches.

Dude just shoots metal like the bullet isn’t gonna ricochet. You fucking moron.

Yinsen: My family is dead. I’m going to see them now, Stark, It’s okay. I want this. I want this.
Me: *SCREAM CRYING*
Tony: Thank you for saving me.
Me: *SOBBING*
Yinsen: Don’t waste it. Don’t waste your life.
Me: HE DIDN’T. HE MADE YOU PROUD. *SOBBING*

Tony: *lights people on fire*
Me: WOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Tony: *flies*
Tony: *crashes*
Me: Iron Man, everybody.


THEY FOUND HIM! RHODEY FOUND HIM!

Rhodey: How was the fun-vee
Tony: laughs
Me: *CRIES*

Did Pepper’s hair become more red with her grief? Or is that just the sunlight?

Me: *swooning x2*

LOOK AT BABY PEPPER WITH THE REDDEST HAIR.

Tony: Hm. Your eyes are red. A few tears for your long-lost boss?
Pepper: Tears of joy. I hate job hunting.
Me: *MAKES AN INHUMAN NOISE* STOP BEING SO CUTE I CAN’T HANDLE IT.

A cheeseburger and a press conference. Only one of those things sound like the Tony Stark I know.

Lol Burger King. I love that they used BK because that’s what changed actual RDJ’s life as well.

LOOK WHO IT IS Y’ALL!!!!!!!!!!

I FINALLY KNOW WHAT SHIELD STANDS FOR:
Strategic
Homeland
Intervention
Enforcement
& Logistics
Division
THAT IS A MOUTHFUL Y’ALL AND COULSON JUST DELIVERS THIS LINE PERFECTLY. THIS MAN IS A GOD.

PEPPER AGREES WITH ME AND I LOVE HER EVEN MORE NOW THANK YOU PEPPER.

SAAAAAME, TONY.

Me: *swooning x3*

This speech is destroying me. Tony Stark oh my god.

I can’t even with this right now y’all. I’m hurt. And I’m proud. And I’m….

Tony: I have more to offer this world than making things blow up. *shuts down weapons manufacturing*
Everyone: *GASPS*
Me: YOU BEAUTIFUL MAN YOU MAKE YINSEN PROUD.

😍

BIG BOY ARC REACTOR

Obi says MANA-FACTURER

YASSS TONY MAKE ARC REACTORS.

Me: *swooning x4* (I have a thing for men button/unbuttoning other men’s shirts alright? Even if it’s platonic. I don’t KNOW)

Pepper bout to have to reach inside Tony’s chest to “change his lightbulb”, so to speak and I am READY for this (and also NOT ready for this).

Me: *swooning? x5* *also cringing and praying for Pepper*

SAME PEPPER OH MY GOD.

Pepper: THERE’S PUSS
Tony: *calmly* It’s not puss it’s an inorganic byproduct of the machine in my chest…
Pepper: IT SMELLS
Tony: yeaaah it does.
Me: *CRINGING*

Tony: Make sure you don’t pull out the magnet at the end of it
Pepper: *pulls out the magnet*
Tony: That was it
Pepper: OH GOD
Me: OH GODDDD

Pepper: What’s wrong?
Tony: Oh nothing I’m just going into cardiac arrest
Me: *SCREAMING*

Pepper: Don’t ever, ever, ever, EVER ask me to do anything like that ever again.
Tony: *smoldering eyes* I don’t have anyone, but you
Me: *HYPERVENTILATING*

Pepper: What do you want to do with this?
Tony: Destroy it. Incinerate it.
Pepper: You don’t want to keep it?
Me: *SOBBING*

Tony: JARVIS, you up?
JARVIS: For you sir? Always.
Me: *sobbing*

Taking a break from thirst tweeting about Tony Stark because I realized I have popcorn and I didn’t make any for this movie. Which is like. Against god or something.

Let’s McFuckin do this

Auuugh his voice is high but he’s got like these deep notes that make me go “YAAAAAAAAS” and swoon.

oh fuk

*SWOONING x6, x7, x,8, x9, x10, & x11*

Are you talking to yourself or your robot, Mr. Stark? Cause like…

👀

YES I LOVE WHEN HE’S TESTING THE SUIT. AHAHHA THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART.

*SCREAM LAUGHING*

My science fiction loving ass is just like WOOOOOOWWWWWWW rn

Tony: This is a flight stabilizer, it’s completely harmless

sAME, PEPPER

Tony: I’m being responsible that’s a new direction for m…I mean the company
Me: Lmao Tony you’re such a fucking disaster


Tony: For lack of a better reason DUM-E is still on fire safety *turns to robot* If you douse me again and I’m not on fire, I’m donating you to a city college
Me: *dying laughing*

LOOK AT HIM FLY

Watching him fly and laugh awkwardly is pretty much everything to me right now. You did it, Tony!

Tony: Yeah. I can fly.
Me: *SWOONS*

JARVIS IN THE HELMETTTTTTTT

*FUCKIN SWOONS x5000*

JARVIS: Sir there are still terabytes of actual calculations needed before a flight is TonY: JARVIS SOMETIMES YOU GOT TO RUN BEFORE YOU CAN WALK—LLLEEEEEROYYYYY JENNNKINNSSS Me & JARVIS:

🤦‍♀️
🤦‍♂️

Good thing he lives near the ocean cause if he was in a city this would probably be a huge disaster lol.

Tony oh my god. Trying to break records and shit. Have fun falling into the ocean, my dude.

Lol bye Tony.

This man is such a nerd.

OH LOOK. MY OTHER FAVORITE PART.

PEPPER GOT HIM A GIFT. I WONDER WHAT IT IS (*ALREADY CRYING*)

*MORE SOBBING*

*SNOT COMING DOWN FACE*

*SCREAMING INTO THE VOID*

*SWOONING x14*


The Ten Rings trying to put together War Machine like a fuckin ominous 3D Jigsaw puzzle.

I LOVE THAT JARVIS MAKES MENTION OF VISITING OTHER PLANETS IN HIS SUIT BECAUSE IN THE COMICS IRON MAN BECOMES PART OF THE GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY.

WOOOW he didn’t get an invitation to his own Firefighters Fund charity event? Fuckin rude, @/ObidiahCuntFactory

JARVIS is so fucking SNARKY.

Tony: Don’t wait up for me honey *DRIVES FAST*
Me: *SWOONS*

Tony: y’look great, Hef
Me: STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!

HIM IN THIS SUIT Y’ALL I CAN’T HANDLE IT

H E L P

TBH THIS IS BOTH OF OUR FACES AS WE LOOK AT PEPPER RIGHT NOW CAUSE HOT D A M N

NOW I’M SWOONING ABOUT PEPPER. R.I.P ME, I GUESS?

Pepper: You couldn’t even tie your shoes without me
Tony: I’d make it a week
Pepper: Really? What’s your social security number??
Tony: ……………………5?
Me: *SCREAM LAUGHING*

DO ITTTTTT
JUST DO IT
DO IT
I’M READY

Tony: ….!?!?!??!?!?!?!
Pepper: *moving forward*
Tony: *moves down*
Me: !?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Tony: !?!?!?!?!?
Pepper: *opens eyes* I would like a drink, please
Me & Tony: WIDSISDFJFSD!?!?
Tony: Got it. Got it getting the drink. Bye. *leaves*
Me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: HELLO CATHERINE
Tony: Karen
Christine: It’s Christine
Wait…am I Tony Stark?

Wow she brought up Gulmira and Tony is like “FUCKING WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME, BITCH.”

Tony: ARE WE DOUBLE DEALING?? UNDER THE TABLE?
Obadiah: *smirks*
Me: I WANNA STAB YOU IN THE EYEBALL. WHERE IS JOHN WICK WHEN YOU NEED HIM???

Me: *SCREAMING*

I’m literally shoveling popcorn into my mouth like WHAT U GON DO TONY WHAT U GON DO (Like I haven’t already seen this fuckin movie)

WHY IS THIS MAN SO HOT.

THE OG IRON SUIT

Tony: *shoots tiny missiles into people’s faces*
Me:

😮

Tony: *gets shot out of the sky*
Me: *laughs* ….Oh man was that mean?

OH GOD THIS SCENE IS SO FUCKIN BADASS Y’ALL I CANNOT STOP SWOONING.

*badass music plays*
Me: *headbanging*
Rhodey: The fuck is happening
Me: *HEADBANGING HARDER*

Tony: I was jogging in the canyon
Rhodey: Thought you were driving
Tony: Right. I’m driving. To the canyon. Where I’m gonna jog.
Me: y’aaaaaaaaaaaall

LMAO THAT’S MY EXIT I’M FUCKING CRYING

The US Army is trying to kill Iron Man and I’m like isn’t this just like them? They’ve also tried to kill Santa Claus several times.

Rhodey is just like “FUCK WE JUST TRIED TO KILL TONY STARK”

WHIPLASH 1 CAN’T GET HIS CHUTE OUT. TONY DO SOMETHING.

TONY SAVED HIM.

Rhodey: What am I supposed to tell the press?
Tony: Training exercise, isn’t that the usual BS?
Rhodey: It’s not that simple
Next scene, Rhodey: An unfortunate training exercise…
Me: HA

*HIGH PITCHED SCREAM LAUGHING* BECAUSE PEPPER’S FACE. OH GOD THIS SCENE HAS BEEN QUOTED SO MUCH I FORGOT IT WAS IN THIS.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAAHAHAHAAAA

ME: WERHIWERJHIIFJSDAGUEQRIGJERIJGEIK!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

WQEDJISDFAUIGSDFHSDFGJO~!?~?~?~?~?~?~?~?!??!?!?!?!?!!!>!!>!<>

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT’S NOT WHAT IT’S FOR.

I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THIS SHIT.

OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SO EVIL. HE’S LIKE LEX LUTHOR, BUT COMPETENT.

Tony is so fucking smart I just. I’m swooning.

NO YOU DON’T PEPPER, STOP LYING

THIS IS NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT TONY, YOU FUCKWIT

PEPPER. HOW CAN YOU SAY THIS IN FRONT OF ME.

Tony: I shouldn’t be alive. Unless it was for a reason.
Me: *SCREAMING INTO THE VOID*

*STILL SCREAMING*

*SCREAMING FOREVER*


Pepper why are you skulking around like you don’t LITERALLY belong there? Stop looking so damn nervous, holy shit.

Ghost Drive Found. I love it. This is real life. Definitely.

Someone stop this fucker.

Pepper STOP HIM.

Person on tape: You didn’t tell us the person you paid us to kill was the great Tony Stark. As you see Obadiah Stane, your deception will and lies will cost you greatly.
THIS VIDEO IS HELLA INCRIMINATING. OBADIAH ISN’T COMPETENT I TAKE IT BACK.

OBADIAH IS JUST LIKE HELLO PEPPER. And I’m like PEPPERRRRRRRRRR. Like I haven’t LITERALLY SEEN THIS MOVIE AND ALREADY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.

Pepper is so fucking smart, holy shit.

THIS FUCKER TALKING LIKE HE WASN’T THE ONE WHO TRIED TO KILL HIM.

Obadiah: IT really breaks my heart
Me: I’M GONNA BREAK YOUR FACE YOU GIANT PIECE OF SHIT

GET OUT

PEPPER GET OUT OF THERE. WE MUST PROTECT PEPPER POTTS AT ALL COST.

GO PHIL. GO WITH HER. PROTECT HER.

BECAUSE HE’S TONY STARK. NOT SOME HALFWIT SCIENTIST WORKING FOR YOUR DUMB ASS.

You know who else could probably build this? Peter Parker. And also Shuri. But I’m pretty sure they’re both like…5 right now.

How old is Shuri? Does anyone know?

RIGHT??????


Y’ALL OBDADIAH GOT HIM WITH THE BAD SOUND!!!!!!! NO SOMEONE SEND HIM HELP. SOMEONE HELP HIM.

PEPPER!!!!!!!!!! HELP HIM!!! SAVE TONY STARK 2K…08!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LEAVE HIM ALONE.

*ENRAGED SHRIEKING*

NO. NO NO NO NO NO!!! NO !!!!!! NO!!!!! NBO GFIHDGFBUDFSHDASUFHGVSDUFIHV NO!!!!!!!!

*SCREAMING*

*SCREAMING HARDER*

Wow why is Tony Stark’s defiant look here so fukin hot? Cause uh.

FUCKING PUT IT BACK OBADIAH YOU MONSTER

*SOBBING*

Obadiah: Too bad you had to involve Pepper in this. I would’ve preferred that she lived.
Me & Tony:

EVERYONE GO SAVE TONY NOW THANKS

SAVE HIM.

DO IT

NO TONY!!!! TONY NO!!!!

DUM-E YOU BEAUTIFUL MACHINE

THIS MAN IS A FUCKING MONSTER.

RHODEY GO SAVE HIM.


Pepper Potts, SHIELD agent.

AHAHAHA I love him

Lmao Tony flew out of a hole in his ceiling. And Rhodey stares at the old suit like “Next time, baby” Ahahaha yeah. Gotta wait until it’s Don Cheadle for that shit.

Lmao Google just tried to autocorrect Don Cheadle to Don Headache and tbh yeah. I could see that.

RUN PEPPER

SO THIS FUCKER JUST CAME UP OUT OF THE GROUND TO KILL PEPPER LIKE

HOW DARE YOU???

Obadiah about to fuckin kill a family of 5 calling them “Collateral damage” FUCKING NIGHTMARE ASSHOLE Then the mom just casually runs Tony Stark over lmao.

Obadiah: I built this company from nothing
Howard Stark’s Ghost: BITCH U DID WHAT?
Me: OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK. WHY ARE RICH PEOPLE LIKE THIS? THEIR PARENTS/MENTORS GIVE THEM LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS AND THEY’RE LIKE I BUILT MYSELF FROM NOTHING. LIKE NO YOU DIDN’T???

Obadiah: I’ve made some upgrades of my own *suit flies slow as fuck* Me: *sarcastically* oh wooooooooow. impressive.

🙄

JARVIS: *reading out the power % left* 7% power…
Tony: JUST LEAVE IT ON THE SCREEN, STOP TELLING ME
Me: Lmao. Ice that bitch, Tony.

Dude. You fly slow as shit. You’re covered in ice. You couldn’t even build your own arc reactor. I wouldn’t call that advanced you fuckwit

TONY STARK YOU BEAUTIFUL PETTY ASSHOLE

YEAH BITCH THE ICING PROBLEM

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! TONY STARK IS MY HERO THO

The music that SHOULD’VE PLAYED in the background in this scene

Tony: I’m almost out of power. I gotta get out of this thing…
Obadiah: Lol waddap
Me: GODDAMMIT WHY CAN’T YOU JUST DIE

HE IS LITERALLY CRUSHING TONY TO DEATH AND I AM SITTING HERE CRYING

DO IT PEPPER. YOU ABSOLUTE BADASS.

Lol Tony just pulls out his optical connection. Do it to ’em Tony.

Can I just say here that I totally forgot that Obadiah crushed the original Iron Man suit head.

It’s a wonder this didn’t show up in Peter Parker’s room in Spider-Man: Homecoming. Considering how much he likes Star Wars.
*waggles eyebrows* y’all see what I did there?

Time to die Obadiah.

Tony: Just do it!

AND IN THAT MOMENT WE WERE ALL PEPPER

BYE OBADIAH YOU TURD

GUESS WHO TF IS STILL ALIVE. IT’S TONY STARK.

BOOM. And his heart grew 3 sizes that day.

THIS FUCKIN NERD

Tony: There’s nothing about Stane here
Phil: That’s being taken care of. He’s on vacation. Small aircrafts have such a…poor safety record.
Me: OHHHH BURNNNNN.

Pepper flirting with Phil is my favorite thing tbh. I ship it. But I literally ship everyone with everyone the same way I do in Naruto.

Me: *high pitched giggling*

*MORE GIGGLING*

GET YOU SOMEONE WHO LOOKS AT U THE SAME WAY TONY STARK LOOKS AT PEPPER POTTS

Pepper: And then you went downstairs to get me a drink and you left me there? By myself? Is that the night you’re talking about?
Tony: *looking both horny and scared* …mmhmm?
Pepper: Thought so.
Tony: *thinking: fuck I struck out. GDI*
Me: GIVE IT TIME, TONY


SHUT UP CHRISTINE

THAT’S WHAT MAKES YOU THE BEST HERO, TONY.

*SCREAMING*

TIME FOR THE FIRST EVER AFTER CREDITS SCENE OF THE ENTIRE MCU THANKS

Tony: JARVIS?
JARVIS: Welcome home s—*shuts off*
Me: WHO HURT HIM

HELLO NICK FURY

FORESHADOWING, I SEE

Me: *HEADBANGS*

That completes my re-watch of Iron Man!

Hope you guys enjoyed it! I’ll be watching The Incredible Hulk on Tuesday and I haven’t seen it yet, so it should be fun? I dunno. Stay tuned for that!

Quick Dating Advice #2

If you are a murderer or serial killer someone using an online dating app such as Tumblr or Bumble, be sure to use a picture of an adorable animal to entice your pre-ahem-future mate.

You should avoid, if at all possible, using any of the following picture formats as it does not attract potential vict-ahem-mates, and they will swipe left.  Do not use obnoxious angles, pictures that are not representative of your true self, close up pictures, or blurry photographs.

All photographs should be in high resolution and taken by Beyonce’s personal photographer.  All images must be unique and organic.  Do not copy them from the internet.  Spare no expense.

Obi-Wan TBH: Snip Snap Obi-Wan Doggos

obid wan doesnt like being tolkd what tot do but padme can tell him what to do all day long if she shdma esnprleases because tyhere’s noithiong stopping her i mean eher hgusband is probablybaly dead.  but i mean obiwan knows he dropoenedbnd in lava and not like you know qwcxtualylyly died.  he becma er tghat one guy with the cooooookooooo mask and no biwan is like no pafkghme that’s not animkanan en.  how could you think that? he dowudl never lie to her but pemge is not co certain.

as the twins co coooooooooooooooooooockooooooo man c omes around more, sniffing atrounfd them.  oniwan keeps moving them but padme is drawn to coooooooooooooooookooooooooooooooooooo man and obi-0wan is pretty fucking pissed about it because ofc he loves padme what is not to love about her.  omfg obiwan loves her and akiana fuicking messed that shit UP.

cfoce choke???? really?????obiwan is so completed pissed about that. probably m,ore pissed than  mans erju withlll ever be.  but he tries not to let it shbow.  

luke and lea are 14 now and pedma rtfis still as bneautifgoul and unattainble as ever.  he can’t have hre in any real way, butr it doesn’t stop him ffrrom piningn after his best friends dead best friends ex???? weoife????

Video Game Mockaries: Dating My Daughter Part 3

NSFW Warning

Here we are, continuing on our journey of self-hatred and terror. 

Once again with 13​ by my side, we will prevail. 

image

Thirteen: Man it’d be cool if we had the technology to identify someone before seeing them in person.
Thirteen: Also, what the fuck?
Thirteen: You’re EXPECTING your daughter, and she just totally doesn’t resemble what you remember of her at all?
Thirteen: I think this just stopped being as creepy because this is clearly some other random girl. 
Me:  Pretending to be his biological daughter to get a free place to stay. 
Thirteen:  Yep. And dick, inevitably. And probably the dildo collection. 
Thirteen:  His REAL daughter got lost, met a cute girl, and ended up running away with her. 
Me:  And they all lived gaily ever after. 
Thirteen:  And far far away from her incestuous pedo dad.

Blah blah blah more talking still in the same hallway. Awkward conversation is awkward. Until FINALLY:

image

Thirteen:  So why is she standing like she had her hip explode anyway?
Me:  She’s protecting her hip from attack. 
Thirteen:  That’s not the bit you wanna protect hon 
Thirteen:  It’s a little lower.

Blah blah blah Humbert just says the exact same thing like 900 times. She calls him dad, we both die a little on the inside. 

image

Me:  How about: golly gee dad, how come you’re crowding me up against the door and staring at my tits? 
Thirteen:  The cartoon bear on her giant tiddies is a nice touch. 
Me:  It’s Whinnie the Pedo Trap 
Me:  Oh wait that wasn’t Lolita talking this whole time. 
Me:  That was Humbert. 
Me:  Haha it’s even in a different color and I should have noticed this and I feel dumb. 
Thirteen:  Oh I was too busy trying to translate tiddy bear’s heart. 
Me:  I was too busy being visually assaulted by bright white and bright red simultaneously. 
Thirteen:  Yeah this place must be hell to keep clean based on all the fucking bright white. And that was BEFORE she got here. Gods know it’s going to be much filthier now.
Thirteen:  Also, I am SO uncomfortable with how short she is. I mean, sure, petite women exist and are great but it’s NOT helping the “she is 12 with a boob job” vibes.
Thirteen: Which I suppose is the point. 

image

Me:  She pretty much looks exactly like my 13 year old niece is said niece had blonde hair. And giant plastic surgery tits. This is hard to look at, not gonna lie. 
Thirteen:  Nice that she’s stuck in Sexbot Pose #5 now, thrusting her familial tiddies at us as much as possible. 
Thirteen:  Seriously, who holds their arm like that? I just tried and it was not comfortable.
Me:  ow. You’re right

image

Me:  I just wish they would fucking stop talking. 
Me:  Every click is more and more of this boring bullshit. 
Thirteen:  It could be worse.
Thirteen: Just remember that.
Thirteen:  Soon you’ll wish for boring.

image

Thirteen:  Yes yes you want to jizz all over her pudgy chipmunk face we get it shut up.

image

Me:  auggghhh.
Thirteen:  Eeeaaauuughhhh.

image

Me: Well fuck what do we pick? 
Thirteen:  I mean my choice is “touch her as little as possible”.
Thirteen:  But are we going for “try to do this ‘correctly'”, “intentional sabotage by being as gross as Humbert really is”, or “AVOID INCEST AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE POR FAVOR”? 
Me:  We’re going for minimal self-sabotage morbid curiousity while also not trying to be a shitty father. 
Thirteen:  I’m not sure how to do that, man.
Thirteen: Considering what we have to work with. 
Me:  Man I think we should just shake her hand. That seems fatherly. 
Thirteen:  He’s so gonna grab her tit. 
Thirteen:  (Well, probably not, but you know he WANTS to.) 
Me:  LET’S FIND OUT.

image

Me:  I’m pretty sure we got 0 points. We’re the best at this game. 
Thirteen:  I think someone put her jaw on wrong. It keeps looking weird. Well her lower lip does. 
Thirteen:  Is there a “bad” end where we don’t fuck our daughter?
Thirteen: Let’s try for that one.

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Me:  This handshake has gone on too long now. 
Thirteen:  Watch even seemingly innocuous actions become creepy as fuck through the magic of this…thing!

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Thirteen:  Everything occurring here, yes 
Me:  Yes.

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Me: WELL YOU’RE SOL LOLITA BECAUSE I’M PUTTING ON DAD CHARM AND DAD-ZONING YOU. 
Thirteen:  AND IT’S TERRIBLE THAT WE SHOULD EVEN HAVE TO DO THAT BY THE WAY YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE SUCCUBUS.
Me:  PUT YOUR SHORTS BACK ON AND LET’S GO GET SOME ICE CREAM AND WATCH A BALL GAME.

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Me: STOP TRYING TO MAKE SENSE, HUMBERT. I HATE YOU. 
Thirteen: “Most people hate physical contact”????? 
Thirteen: Here I was under the impression that people who hate physical contact are the outliers.
Thirteen: Wow I’m normal
Thirteen: Who knew
Thirteen: (Not me) 
Me:  I mean. Okay, but. Listen, if I was a person who enjoyed physical contact. Which I’m not. But if I was, I would basically be like “NOT YOU HUMBERT. NOT. YOU.” And just tell him I hate physical contact. Though, at 27, I doubt I’m his type. 
Thirteen:  LOL Okay fine, I guess he does have a skewed perspective.
Thirteen: Shit like this is why I got into goth fashion. Cover yourself in spikes and the pervs can’t get you as easy.
Thirteen: #lifehacks

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Me: ….
Thirteen: Yeah I bet you do, strumpet. Special hugs.

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Me:  GET IN THE CAR LET ME DRIVE YOU BACK TO THE AIRPORT. GO TO A BALL GAME WITH YOUR MOTHER. BYE LOLITA. 
Thirteen:  BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH.
Me:  A BAD TOUCH ON MY EYEBALLS. 
Thirteen:  YES.
Thirteen:  I NEED AN ADULT.

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Me: Please no.
Thirteen: ….BAD TOUCH.
Thirteen:  Humbert you will do NO SUCH THING.

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Me:  I guess we finally get an explanation as to why she’s been out of touch for 10 years. 
Thirteen:  What? She wanted her tiddies to pop out so she could seduce him easier? 
Thirteen:  (This word game I’m playing just accepted “poon” and I feel dirty.)

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Me:  I say Humbert takes some responsibility. What do you think? 
Thirteen:  Yeah, sure. Man up and accept what a dumbass you are, Humbert.

Blah blah blah Humbert feels bad about not calling. Continues to call her honey. Blah blah blah excuses about when she left the country. Blah blah blah. Something heartwarming happens and still manages to be creepy. All leading to this:

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Thirteen:  YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW YOU DISGUSTING HARLOT.
Me:  I EXPECTED YOUR MOTHER TO RAISE YOU BETTER THAN THIS. 
Thirteen:  jesus where IS her mom?
Thirteen:  why is she not stopping her child from DOING TERRIBLE THINGS?
Me:  I don’t know. I guess we’re her mothers now. Don’t worry child, we’ll stop you from getting dicked by your old man. And by that I mean, we’ll kill him. And you if you don’t stop being so thirsty.

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Me:  Okay Lolita. Take it down a notch. 
Me:  Or eleven. 
Thirteen:  I’m not adopting this vile hellspawn. 
Thirteen:  She’s at least as much to blame as him.
Thirteen:  So yeah, cleanse them with fire, etc.
Me:  Brandish your sage knife. 
Thirteen:  GONNA SAGE THIS GROSS SHIT OUT OF YOU BITCHES.

Blah blah blah Humbert wants her to be there too. Blah blah blah fatherly bullshit. Blah blah blah. 

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Me:  Do we hug her or not? 
Me:  I don’t wanna play into this little harlot’s trap. 
Thirteen:  Yeah I mean, it’s a good Dadly thing to do but…
Thirteen:  That’s what this vile creature wants.
Me:  …I’ll hug her. One time. For .00001 seconds. 
Thirteen:  Awkwardly as fuck so she never wants another.

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Me: I AM DISGUSTED 
Me:  BLOCKED BLOCKED BLOCKED 
Me: YOU’RE ALL BLOCKED 
Thirteen: EW EW EW LET GO OF THAT TARTED UP TWELVE YEAR OLD RIGHT THIS INSTANT HUMBERT.
Thirteen: BAD TOUCH
Thirteen: LEGITIMATELY 

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Me:  If his couch is black, I’m leaving. 
Thirteen:  Ugh her sexbot pose is creeping me out more and more. This thing is Not Right.

Blah blah blah Lolita agrees. Some awkward fumbling. The screen goes black. And then: 

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Me:  I vote go to another room. 
Thirteen:  And never come back 
Me:  Kickflip into the sun. 
Thirteen:  It’s where he belongs tbh.
Me:  I ACCIDENTALLY HIT COMPLIMENT TRYING TO GO BACK TO THE WINDOW 
Thirteen:  AUGH 
Me:  OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?

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Thirteen:  ABORT ABORT ABORT.
Me:  DONALD TRUMP IS THAT YOU?

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Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooo 
Thirteen:  AAAAAUUUGGGHHHH.

And then we’re back at the choice screen with a third green point :/. I don’t like where this is going. I choose talk to her. There’s a conversation. Then: 

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Me:  Which is creepier? “How is your mother I divorced ten years ago?” or “Are you alone 😉 😉 *nudge nudge*”? 
Thirteen:  “How is your mom” is less creepy I think?
Thirteen: That’s just nice chit-chat right?
Thirteen: Catching up on her life in a non-gross way.

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Me:  Brad sounds top notch, why not go and fuck him? 
Thirteen:  Probably already did, that’s why she’s moved on to greener (grosser) pastures.

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Me:  Way to not be creepy. Humbert. 
Thirteen:  He cccooould make sure she doesn’t have any bad impressions of him? In a good, dadly way?
Thirteen: Or he’s a creeper which is the correct answer. 
Humbert: Does your mom ever mention *blushes prettily and looks away* how big my dick is? 

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Me:  WOAAAH. BURN. 
Thirteen:  I mean she’s not wrong, as long as Brad doesn’t fuck kids. Especially his kids. 
Me: Yeah Humbert did set the bar pretty low.

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Me:  *SLAMS MOUSE DOWN HARD ON SHE’S RIGHT*  
Thirteen:  YES GOOD.
Thirteen:  HUMBERT YOU DIDN’T EVEN CALL YOUR DAUGHTER AND KEEP STARING AT HER TITS YOU’RE ACTUALLY THE WORST!

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Thirteen:  Also she probably freaked out when you named your daughter Lolita
Thirteen: Just saying.
Me:  YEAH HUMBERT. THINK OF OTHER PEOPLE FOR A CHANGE.

Humbert: *teary eyed* but I’ve changed and I can be a better father! You’ll see, LOLITA! 

Me: Presumably once he has his dick in you. 
Thirteen: That’s how you dad, right? 
Thirteen: fuck up your relationship with your wife, get divorced, make it better by fucking your daughter who reminds you of her?
Me:  Stick your dick in it, it’s diddly dang daddy done.

Lolita foolishly believes his claims. Humbert calls this a date again. Lolita is not at all freaked out by this. And we have 4 green points suddenly. 

Thirteen:  Of course she’s not freaked out.
Thirteen:  This is clearly her goal.

Now they’re watching a fucking movie. 

Thirteen:  How many sex scenes does it have?
Thirteen: Is it literally a FUCKING movie?

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Me:  I don’t know. We apparently get to choose. 
Thirteen:  Uuuuuhhhhh comedy seems safest?
Thirteen: And man she has creepy teeth. 
Me:  BETTER TO EAT DICK WITH, MY DEAR.

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Me:  She looks like she’s seen something she can’t unsee. 
Me:  Is this where the optional beastiality comes in?
Me: The comedy movie?
Me: Have we opened a whole can of worms now? 
Thirteen: Oh, so it’s worms, then
Thirteen: Not a dog after all 
Me: Ba dum tiss.
Thirteen:  We’re funny.
Thirteen: To someone. Somewhere. Maybe. 
Me: kuresoto​ likes us. 

Me: OH FUCK HOLY HELL.
Thirteen: SHIT. WHAT?
Me: I WENT TO SAVE MY GAME AND OVERWRITE THE OLD SAVE AND THIS HAPPENED. 

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Thirteen:  -SCREECH-
Thirteen: ALSO HER ANATOMY IS FUCKED AS HELL.
Me:  DON’T LOOK DIRECTLY AT IT OR YOU’LL GO INSANE 
Thirteen:  DON’T WORRY MY FIRST REACTION WAS TO SHIELD MY EYES.

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Me:  OH LOOK SOMETHING WAS FUNNY AHAHAHA HA…HAHAH…. 
Thirteen:  THAT SHIT WAS NOT HILARIOUS YOU SMUG LITTLE FUCK
Thirteen: IT WAS VILE
Thirteen: VILE

Lolita goes in about French for like nine clicks. Humbert is glad she liked the movie. I’m just glad I’m not looking at a deformed naked sim. Now we’re gonna do something else. We have six green points now for some reason.

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Me:  The only thing we haven’t done it gone to another room. 
Thirteen:  Ugh how do we make this gross harlot dislike us
Thirteen: Welp 
Thirteen: One choice left I suppose 
Humbert: Bye bitch. Gonna go take a dump. Entertain yourself for a few hours.
Thirteen: LMAO 
Thirteen: Gods, I hope so.

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Me: THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED AT ALL. 
Thirteen: NO IT DOES NOT NEED TO BE A GROUP EVENT 
Thirteen: I THINK WE NEED SOME SPACE
Thirteen: IT’S NOT ME IT’S YOU (AND YOUR DISGUSTING PROCLIVITIES) 
Me:  GO TAKE A DUMP, HUMBERT. 
Thirteen:  ALONE. UNTIL SHE LEAVES.

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Me: GO TO THE BATHROOM, HUMBERT. 
Thirteen: OH GODS ALL OF THESE OPTIONS ARE TERRIFYING.
Me: KITCHEN HAS KNIVES SO WE CAN KILL HIM. 
Thirteen: I WAS GOING TO SUGGEST THAT (it seems least terrifying)

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Me: *WIDE EYES AND ACTUAL IRL SCREAMING* PEDO SENSES TINGLING.
Thirteen: JESUS YOU VILE CREATURE STOP STICKING YOUR TITS OUT CONSTANTLY
Thirteen: I AM CONCERNED FOR YOUR SPINE 
Me:  UNSTUFF YOUR BRA AND PUT THOSE CHICKEN CUTLETS BACK IN THE BEDSIDE DRAWER WHERE THEY BELONG.

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Me: *screams in rage*
Thirteen:  for cock

Now instead of cooking they’re apparently going to go get something to eat which seems much safer. Oh wait. 

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Thirteen: Jesus. Pizza? Maybe our utter awkwardness at 1) not asking if she was hungry earlier, or before dragging her into the kitchen combined with 2) specifically moving to the kitchen to order pizza will turn her off.
Thirteen: Plus, maybe she’s allergic to pizza. 
Me:  We are in accordance.

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Lolita: SO YOU DO KNOW HOW TO USE A PHONE. I KNEW YOU NEVER LOVED ME. 
Thirteen:  IT’S TRUE CHILD WE HATE YOU TIME TO LEAVE.

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Me:  WHY IS THIS EVEN AN OPTION 
Me:  AND WHY ARE YOU CALLING THE DELIVERY GUY DIRECTLY 
Thirteen: Obviously that’s how pizza works
Thirteen: there’s no places that make it 
Thirteen: just fleets of delivery guys who produce it magically, pulling it from somewhere unknown 
Thirteen:  some have suggested: their asses

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Me: WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?
Thirteen: Great camera work. On the other hand, the vile she-demon is mostly off-screen with her creepy, soulless smile. But then again, she appears to be looking at Humbert’s crotch.

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Me: None of this is even relevant idgaf. 
Thirteen: White Wall Simulator: The Game! 
Me: Dude I’m pretty sure even that would be more entertaining than this. We could like, paint it white again. Watch the paint dry. In real time. For ten hours. 
Thirteen: Diligently watch to make sure nothing mars its perfect whiteness.
Me: And not bone down on our obviously not 18-year-old daughter. 
Thirteen: The most important part of it, one could argue

The delivery guy comes. They’re at a table. Dildos in the background on a desk next to a shitty laptop. 

Thirteen:  Oh we moved to the dildo room, that’s good something…
Thirteen: Runaway just came on my media player and I am Uncomfortable.

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Me: AND THIS IS AN OPTION. AGAIN HUMBERT, WHAT THE FUCK ELSE WERE YOU GOING TO DO? 
Thirteen: Is her shirt fucking glued to her ribcage or something?
Me: Yes.
Thirteen: *in background, disgusted*  (oooooh, she’s a little runaway / daddy’s girl learned fast, all those things he couldn’t say)

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Me: *THROWS COMPUTER OUT WINDOW*
Thirteen: We return to White Wall Simulator: The Game, already in progress.
Me: THAT IS OBVIOUSLY A DOOR, HUMBERT. 
Thirteen: He gets confused.

It was obviously the delivery guy. Humbert still cocks the entire thing up and it’s like 15 more clicks before he even takes his head out of his ass long enough to open the fucking door. 

Thirteen:  At this rate I’m surprised he managed to find the right hole on his wife. So the good news is he’s just making it easier for us to try and prevent this atrocity from happening.

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Me: OH LOOK. PLANET OF THE APES. 
Thirteen: LOL
Thirteen: That is totally some dude with a frozen pizza
Thirteen: The “delivery guy” is just his neighbor isn’t he?
Thirteen: And he’s tired of trying to convince Humbert he doesn’t even WORK in a pizza place
Thirteen: So he just brings a frozen pizza over.
Me: Sorry Paolo, you look vaguely Italian and vaguely ape-like so you obviously deliver pizza. 
Thirteen:  I just noticed that box says “Italian style” and I am just laughing my ass off over here.

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Me: This is STILL going on 
Thirteen: Also that’s a great way to hold a pizza if you want all the toppings ooze into one corner
Thirteen: Furthering my theory that it’s frozen.

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Me: WHY ARE YOU INVITING HIM IN, HUMBERT? JUST TAKE THE FUCKING PIZZA. 
Thirteen:  What the fuck???
Thirteen: Are you going to pay him with Lolita?? 
Humbert: EY YO LO. I AIN’T GOT NO CASHOLA ON ME SO I NEED YOU TO GIVE PAOLO HERE A BLOWIE. 
Thirteen: Thanks, now I’m trying not to wake the house up with my hyena shrieking 
Me: You’re welcome.

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Paolo: That is is completely un-fucking-orthodox of you to invite me into your fucking apartment. Also I’m your neighbor and this pizza is frozen. 
Paolo: Also, what’s with the jailbait hooker? 
Paolo: Also nice stilts, sir. 
Thirteen: Seriously this camera is fucked.

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Me: *SLIDES OUT OF CHAIR ONTO FLOOR* *RUBS DIRT INTO EYES* *SCREAMS FOR DEATH TO COME AT ME BRO*
Paolo: …you know, for jailbait. I am calling the cops the second I get out of this pedo den. 

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Me: Paolo’s face is really unsettling. 
Thirteen: Such is his fate, being in this…thing.

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Me: OH STARS IT GOT WORSE.
Thirteen: Paolo your face is…doing…something terrible. I think your eyebrows might be trying to escape. 
Me: I love how we just silently agreed to call him Paolo. 
Thirteen:  Well it was that or we call him “delivery guy” which 1) is too long and 2) he isn’t anyway.

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Me: AUGH PAOLO STOP BEING GROSS AND TERRIBLE AND LEAVE. WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?
Thirteen: Because Humbert invited him in to perv over Lolita, obviously.
Me: So he can swoop in and save her and do a fatherly fakeout by shoving his dick down her throat in place of Paolo’s Italian Sausage. 
Thirteen: Jesus, probably. 
Thirteen: You’re really dodging a bullet, Paolo. She likes dads. Namely, her own. Also, dogs, probably.

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Me: Gettin a little defensive there Humbert. 
Thirteen: He thought twice about the blowjob payment. 
Thirteen: Seriously though how tall is this cockwaffle? 
Thirteen: Or is he just surrounded by the shortest people he could find.

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Me: f u c k i n g  w h y 
Thirteen: Seriously man don’t do it, bitch is  n a s t y 
Me: DON’T STICK YOUR REAL ITALIAN SAUSAGE IN CRAZY, PAOLO.

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Me: DUDE. JUST DON’T INVITE YOUR WEIRD PIZZA DELIVERY GUYS INSIDE. 
Thirteen: Even if they ARE your neighbors just giving you a frozen pizza to shut you up.

Lolita seems to think he was a nice guy. Humbert gets all pissy about it. Calls Paolo a douche. 

“Those are the worst type honey. They have no respect for Women.” Blah blah blah. 

She’s so ~naive~. 

PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE’S TWELVE. AND NOT REALLY 18 AT ALL. 

Are you sure she wasn’t 2 when you last saw her, Humbert? Hm????

Thirteen: It would better explain why he didn’t recognize her at all. 
Thirteen: And like she’s not used to that bullshit with THOSE ta-tas. Well, except they’re fake.

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Me: * soul slowly slips from body*
Thirteen: eeeaaauuuggh never mind come back Paolo.

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Me: PLEASE STOP TALKING.
Thirteen: I wish you would both explode you disgusting creatures.

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Me: WHAT DO YOU MEAN. “I WAS GOOD, WASN’T IT?” WHAT DID YOU DO, HUMBERT? 
Thirteen: -SCREECH- I’M GLAD WE MISSED IT.

Apparently there’s still more shit to do even after all this fucking time. 

*Break for working adults to go to sleep*

To be continued…