Spectrum

We’re on different sides of the 
spectrum:

a range or scale of anything such as opinions or emotions

it doesn’t make sense
these words rushing through my
heart:

this definition is relative

i don’t remember the last time i thought
in waves of color, blending 
breaking,
i don’t remember the last time
there was time or patience
or forgiveness
least of all love.

Our differences are relative
they tell me we’re the same
but “they” are relative
my thoughts are disrupted
by silence
and for the first time
i wish there wasn’t this endless
second:

time passing by.  an increment.  measurement.

where all i think, thought, speak about is you
it has been a long time since i’ve felt the
special kind of
numb:

lack of feeling

-ness
where all it is—
is your soft whispers
and excited tingles on my skin.

Someone once told me
that “opposites attract”
but i don’t think of us
(which by our terms, is relative)
as “opposites” or
“the same”
similarities and opposites are
“relative”.

I asked you once, twice
more times than I can count, actually
what you defined “us” as
and every time i asked, the answer was
different:


its a contrast, contradiction 

but as of late, its defined as
special.

It’s been a long time since
i’ve felt unbr-oken, a full
spectrum of light
shining through 
glass.

Your Eyes

“Your eyes are the stars and they
S P A R K L E ; 
full of life.

Even with the clouds they manage
to shine brightly, overtaking

I’ve never seen eyes more
B E A U T I F U L
than yours are.”

The words

as 
      they
               fall

have never been so beautiful
than when they escaped your lips.

And you tell me in promises of
“F O R E V E R”
that you’ll love me.

Secrets

You’re magic, electric
vibrancy, butterflies, dizziness
the sparkles in the sky
the rain I watched for hours
with that dumb smile on my face.

You’re waiting, time
slowly 
          tick – 
tock – 
tocking 
away.

You’re a lot, meaningful
but once upon
a time
you were (this
is a secret, our secret…
)
the pain that
I thought was love.

You’re fireworks, explosions
of light and heat
inside my head &
you’re fire on my skin
but (and this is a secret
my secret…
)
I’m afraid to let this be
what it is.

because I’m still waiting for you to break my heart.

i am a rainbow

i’ve got shades of indigo and violet
beneath my eyes, showing what
i lack
have been lacking

i’m living in a neverending shade of
blue, the hue appears on the corners
of my vision and overtakes my emotions,
choking what little happiness I’ve aquired
out of me.

i’ve got green hidden in the brown in my eyes
specks of leaves in the wooded color i’ve come
to think of as soft and inviting
is that how you feel too?
when you look into my eyes?
[buthowwouldyouknow?you.never.look]

i’ve got yellow hidden deep
a beginning of a fire that i hide from
the shades of blue comsuming me so often
it’s my warmth, the color of the butterflies
flying around and around and around.

i’ve got orange on my toes
to remind me of my creativity
that never quite goes away;
it’s metallic hue is almost calming.

i’ve got red in my heart and in my veins
its the color i see 
[most often;
but in reality, 
you’re all these colors too
]
when i think about you.
its love and anger and death and blood
but mostly, it reminds me of you.

i’m a rainbow
light, vibrancy
and sometimes hope.

i’m magic explained by science
and happiness destroyed by pills.

i am

i am :

emotions on sleeves.  heart on the outside looking in.
stained glass, cracked, but unbroken.  tears in the darkness of 
SUMMER.

i am :

terrified of losing you.  tied up in moments of
complicated and time and waiting.  miserable at best.

i am :

yours and no one else’s.  it’s so easy to wait
to make things simple.  to imagine touching your skin with the flesh of
my lips.

i am :

waiting for time to stand still.  hoping for a moment
that might never come, but i was never one to doubt in love (but we
all know that’s a lie
).

i am :

the saddest rainbow at the end of summer.  stained
glass painted dull and lifeless.

BUTTER –
                   FLIES
 
with you around.


i am : 
unbroken, the stars in the sky.


Lithium

shove these p i l l s down my throat and 
t e l l – m e that I’m normal
enough for you when I’m staring at an 
empty void, loss of color and focus.

you tell me I can be f i x e d with 
medication but, when was I ever

BRO –
           – KEN?


stop trying to fix something that’s complete
you’re p i c k i n g away at what I am

T   E 
        A  R
               ING


away w h o  i  tried so hard to become.

you tell me I need theselittlewhite p i l l s
because for once in my life I’m finally
H A P P Y.

icanfeelyou

I write about the sandman
and I tell you “It’s a true story”
the hole that “leads to neverland”
is really…
in my back yard
and is, the size of my fist
and it could
p
     u
          l
             l
you through it just as easily as it was dug.

I write about the deep blue ocean
and I tell you “It’s dark, crushing me”
the ocean is suffocating and
it’s where I 
re
si
de
when you’re not with me.

I write about my bruise kissed eyes
and I tell you “I can’t imagine sleeping”
not without you, your breath against my ear
and the smell of cinnamon and strawberries
I
tell 
you
“the white noise” is what helps me sleep
but really, it’s the certainty of knowing 
you can be so close that I can 
(almost) feel you.

I write about the dreams I have about you
and I tell you “I can feel you sometimes”
but I feel you every night, I can imagine your skin
your hair, fingertips, light touches as you trace my body
do 
you
even
know?
The question is simple, stupid even
I can 
f e e l you.

I write about you, mostly
and I tell you “I love you”
and sometimes you question the truthfulness 
and it hurts, but I question you too
in 
s  i  l  e  n  c  e
and I try hard not to make it known.

I write about how you break my heart
and I tell you nothing and let you believe in the hurt
but you could never break me

you.
       keep.
               me.
                    complete.
andicanfeelyou.