& it kills me every time

So tired.  I can’t even function, think straight.  But…but…I’ll be up all night in tears again.  You don’t know what you do to me.

Nothing makes sense, nothing makes sense anymore.  It’s not right when you’re gone.  It just isn’t.  I stay up and I try not to call you.  I try to wait until you call me, but I’m so addicted to your voice that it’s so hard for me to even imagine being without it.

You.  You on the other hand.  You don’t feel anything do you?  You don’t understand why I’d need you so much.  Or how much it hurts to only be permitted to need you for one day a week.

It gets harder every time.  Especially when that phone rings and I know you have to disappear.  

It kills me.  It kills me when you hang up, sigh and stare at me with those big brown eyes.  And I know.  I just know where it’s going.

And you get up and you leave, tell me you have to and if it were my choice.  You can’t make promises anymore.  And I can’t take the broken hearts.  Littered with the knowledge of paper, the title of “pure” and the quantity of “six”.

You kill me.  And you don’t even know it.

icanfeelyou

I write about the sandman
and I tell you “It’s a true story”
the hole that “leads to neverland”
is really…
in my back yard
and is, the size of my fist
and it could
p
     u
          l
             l
you through it just as easily as it was dug.

I write about the deep blue ocean
and I tell you “It’s dark, crushing me”
the ocean is suffocating and
it’s where I 
re
si
de
when you’re not with me.

I write about my bruise kissed eyes
and I tell you “I can’t imagine sleeping”
not without you, your breath against my ear
and the smell of cinnamon and strawberries
I
tell 
you
“the white noise” is what helps me sleep
but really, it’s the certainty of knowing 
you can be so close that I can 
(almost) feel you.

I write about the dreams I have about you
and I tell you “I can feel you sometimes”
but I feel you every night, I can imagine your skin
your hair, fingertips, light touches as you trace my body
do 
you
even
know?
The question is simple, stupid even
I can 
f e e l you.

I write about you, mostly
and I tell you “I love you”
and sometimes you question the truthfulness 
and it hurts, but I question you too
in 
s  i  l  e  n  c  e
and I try hard not to make it known.

I write about how you break my heart
and I tell you nothing and let you believe in the hurt
but you could never break me

you.
       keep.
               me.
                    complete.
andicanfeelyou.

Demons

My demons
Are white hot
Chill me to the bone
Fear

Its paralyzing
I can feel it in my sleep
In my dreams

The fear chases away
The light, happiness
My heart is filled with black clouds
Of pain and constant
Constant
Constant
Fear

Some days I can’t function
Because I am so afraid
Of everything
Because my demons
Chase me
Until I can’t run
There’s nowhere to hide
The darkness is everywhere
Because my demons
Are determined

I lay my head down
And I try to hide
Wishing for the days when
I had nightmares about driverless cars
And no constant sense of
IMPENDING DOOM
And of my own mortality

I miss the nightmares
With the bathroom stalls
The light that chased the fear away
Now I can’t even sleep with the
Bathroom door open
Lest the monsters get out
Lest they bleed into reality
Lest they come out of my head
Free of my imagination

Because they are coming
I feel it in my fear
Because why
Why would so much fear be for
Nothing

Why would it take over
So completely
If there’s nothing
Nothing to be afraid of
Because my demons
Are real

the way i want this to be always

It’s been so long, I’d forgotten how good it felt to rest against you like this.  I know we’re both crying now, but I can’t help thinking how amazing it feels to have my face resting against your chest and your arm around me.  

I can’t explain it, but I want to be here with you…like this forever.  It’s comforting to feel this sensation of belonging.  Your hand brushes over my hair and down my back and I’ve never felt so much love for you.

The way things are right now, with you smiling down at me, kissing the top of my head and lacing your free hand with the one I placed on your chest…I wouldn’t trade this for the world.  I feel the sting of tears being brought forth and a smile coming to my lips.  

My thoughts immediately shift to a song from the opera we watched together and I feel the tears roll down from my eyes, down my cheeks and over my lips.  

I never knew I’d love you so much, but I do.

Hartford

She was
         born in hartford
         a crush among many
        slender waist graced by tight-fit jeans
         tan skin
         a vision to behold
         a 20.

She was
         born in a desert
         a one true love
         stretched-skin in skinny jeans
         pale snow white
         an emotional wreck
         a beautiful disaster
         an 80.

She was
         cold black eyes
         harsh pink lips
         long black hair
         confidence
         an infatuation.

She was
         sparkling brown eyes
        pouty pale lips
         short brown hair
         electricity
         Love

He was
         a tale of two roads
         a choice to make
         a struggle

She is
        an undecided everything
        her bitter enemy
        His

Fools Who Rush In, Burn Out

This is an introspection, my own personal thoughts of where I am right now, a diary entry if you will.

I hate the way I feel right now, so close yet so out of reach.  I feel like I’m not changing, not making with the “new”.  I still want the same things, I’m still striving for the same things, I’m still stuck.  I feel like I’m stuck, sinking in mud.  I’m not really worth anything, am I?

I keep telling myself things like that.  Things like, I’m never gonna be anyone, but it really isn’t true.  I can be anything.  Yes, I am confirming that the thing everyone’s mother told them when they were younger is absolutely 100% true.  We can still be anything we want to be. 

I want to say something about being broken hearted and feeling alone, but I’m reminded that I don’t honestly feel alone…just…confused.  I know what I want in the long run, but in the now…I’m struggling to keep it together.  It’s strange after a year to be single again, but I honestly don’t feel single.  I feel the same, but I feel like a certain other person might be breaking off, branching out…and I’m still holding on.  

I’m always holding on, why can’t I just let go?  If I don’t learn how to let go of the important things, if I don’t learn how to just let it work itself out…then how will I ever function in society?  I already know the outcome, I already know that this will get better.  I already know I wont give up.  

And like a certain someone told me: “I’m not going anywhere”…you really aren’t are you?  You’ll stay the same in this even if I feel like you’re zooming lightyears ahead of me and starting your brand new life…without me…while I’m still stuck here.

But this is it right?  I’ve got to learn to stand on my own!  I have to know I can do this without you, without my family, without anyone but God to hold me up.  You’ve got to know it too, don’t you?  You need to know this too.  We have to stand alone before we can stand together, don’t we?

I’m amused, this whole introspection ended up being a letter to you about how I feel about us.  I still love you, y’know.  I promised you…a long time ago that I’d never stop.  But…in a way, I’m glad that this is over.  I don’t want all the pressure and the fights and the pain.  It’s not like I’m losing you 100% is it?  No, we’ll always be friends.  That’s one thing I’ve learned.  That I can’t really ever exist without you.  You’re my heart.  

I was told, by my mother once that…in life, you really only make two really good friends.  The first one is God and the second one is the man you fall in love with.  

I don’t feel like I’m losing you, I just feel like I’m losing the “us” we used to be.  That old, broken, depressed, trustless version of us.  The paranoid, jealous, unhappy version of us.  The one where accusations and assumptions defined it.  It obviously wan’t based on the friendship we claimed to have before we were together.

But after all this…I can understand now.

You were right, you know…

We did rush into it.

All Great Shapes Break

You might not ever see this
And you might not even care
but I want to let you know–
you still mean the world to me
your voice still echoes in my head
the place in my back still tingles
when I think about kissing you.

You might not ever see this
but maybe you’ll still care
that you still make my sun rise
you give my world all it’s color
and you always open my eyes
to different possibilities.

Maybe you’ll see this
and I know that you’ll still care
that I hear your voice in all my memories
that every memory I have of you plays so s l o w l y
that I swear it comes to life and all I can focus on is…
your breathing, the taste of your lips
and even with my eyes closed
I can still see you, clear as day.

But…
Maybe you wont see this
and maybe you’ll just break
let the stars and all great shapes
fall between our hearts
maybe in your world, we’re better off apart.