Secrets

You’re magic, electric
vibrancy, butterflies, dizziness
the sparkles in the sky
the rain I watched for hours
with that dumb smile on my face.

You’re waiting, time
slowly 
          tick – 
tock – 
tocking 
away.

You’re a lot, meaningful
but once upon
a time
you were (this
is a secret, our secret…
)
the pain that
I thought was love.

You’re fireworks, explosions
of light and heat
inside my head &
you’re fire on my skin
but (and this is a secret
my secret…
)
I’m afraid to let this be
what it is.

because I’m still waiting for you to break my heart.

Demons

My demons
Are white hot
Chill me to the bone
Fear

Its paralyzing
I can feel it in my sleep
In my dreams

The fear chases away
The light, happiness
My heart is filled with black clouds
Of pain and constant
Constant
Constant
Fear

Some days I can’t function
Because I am so afraid
Of everything
Because my demons
Chase me
Until I can’t run
There’s nowhere to hide
The darkness is everywhere
Because my demons
Are determined

I lay my head down
And I try to hide
Wishing for the days when
I had nightmares about driverless cars
And no constant sense of
IMPENDING DOOM
And of my own mortality

I miss the nightmares
With the bathroom stalls
The light that chased the fear away
Now I can’t even sleep with the
Bathroom door open
Lest the monsters get out
Lest they bleed into reality
Lest they come out of my head
Free of my imagination

Because they are coming
I feel it in my fear
Because why
Why would so much fear be for
Nothing

Why would it take over
So completely
If there’s nothing
Nothing to be afraid of
Because my demons
Are real