shove these p i l l s down my throat and
t e l l – m e that I’m normal
enough for you when I’m staring at an
empty void, loss of color and focus.
you tell me I can be f i x e d with
medication but, when was I ever
stop trying to fix something that’s complete
you’re p i c k i n g away at what I am
away w h o i tried so hard to become.
you tell me I need theselittlewhite p i l l s
because for once in my life I’m finally
H A P P Y.
you’d rather i be
m e dICATED
and normal, simple, dead
in my eyes
(you want them to be void
of sparkle and hope, grace, compassion)
you think it’d be easier
if i never felt the things rising to the surface
bubbling and causing the sweet upward curl
of my lips.
you wish i was flat, emotionless, broken
you choke me on those pills
tell me it’s helping me to be NORMAL
but all it does is bring the
numbness back and force me
under the perpetual shade of
darkness behind my eyelids.
i’ll never be normal enough for you.
in these lines,
remind me how
them so often
tell me who
my words have
heart on contact
hate – red.
my memories of
them seem less
I could find
labyrinth of dark
TW: Murder, kidnapping, child abuse, sexual assault
I have a confession
and I don’t have much time
to tell you of my regrets
I may have killed a man
with his own gun
my shirt is soaked with his blood.
He begged for mercy
but I didn’t feel merciful tonight
is it even really that bad
I’d like to think he was innocent
but he wasn’t.
he killed first; he killed my father.
He told me, as he lay dying
that he killed him to protect me
that the man wasn’t really my father
that I was brainwashed.
I shot him again
right between the eyes
when he told me his lie.
The man was clearly delusional
and he took away all I had
the man who raised me from birth
after my mother abandoned me.
If you were afraid,
they already caught me
after all, I killed him in his home
a Police Station with a big brown dog by his side.
The sirens were so loud,
just like the night daddy died
when they took me from his home at
the tender age of thirteen and thrust me into
the arms of a woman with long brown hair who
looked a lot like me.
They told me the woman was my mother
they’re all a bunch of liars
my mother was a whore. Daddy said she’s
dead by now. Rotting in some ditch
just outside of Jersey.
Daddy said I’d never see her again
and then he’d tuck me into his bed
every night. And tell me how special I am
and how I’m his “beautiful” girl.
Daddy loved me.
A flurry of southern snow and on Christmas no less
Seen from a lit window, the first snow flakes during
the famous gift exchange
“It’s snowing!” An excited exclamation
and to the window two sets of feet traveled quickly
the room was full of awe and wonder
coats were drawn,
scarves flung around throats haphazardly
And the snow angels danced, spinning with the crystals
of white and purity and the world feels cleansed
You say, “lay down, I’ll show you something beautiful”
I oblige, and you take the snowy ground next to me,
lace your fingers between mine…
and we make snow angel lovers
You tell me, “I want to make these with you forever”
and I tell you, “that’s how long we’ll wait for another miracle.”