Vignette: “Friends”

I had a friend once who told me

“You’re a joke, your art sucks, your emotive writing makes me laugh.  Every single bad thing that happens to you…you deserve.  I’ve been a good friend for you for so long and…”

and it hurt, but I guess I deserved it because I wasn’t afraid to call her out
on the things she would’ve rather not been aired on her personal page
about how
she really isn’t a good person
or a good friend
because all she really is…
is this cheap, bitter, unreliable, irritating person
who has no place in my life
and her friendship is literally laughable
because she’s the same person, who told me

“There’s no such thing as bisexual.  You can’t be bisexual because it doesn’t exist.  You can’t be attracted to both men and women.  You’re dating a man, you’re straight.”

and the worst thing is, she’s homosexual
it made me feel like
no one would ever accept me
because I couldn’t help being attracted to both sexes
I thought there was something wrong with me…

I still do

Video Game Mockaries: Dating My Daughter – Part 2

Hello again, everyone. I’ve returned from my venture out into the world and have devoured my rose petal ice cream only to return to this immediately when I come home. With 13 as my co-pilot and kuresoto, our number one fan. 

Me: *clears throat and cracks knuckles* let’s McFucking do this. 
Thirteen: I would say I am mentally prepared but I am not.
Thirteen: Bring it on.

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Me:  I love how “Father-daughter” is in quotations 
Thirteen:  I’ll just assume Humbert is already perving over her.

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Me:  UM. I’M NOT READY FOR THIS. 
Thirteen:  “Don’t act like a perv” IS NOT ADVICE THAT SHOULD EVER BE NECESSARY FOR THIS SCENARIO.
Me:  I DON’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT THIS IS GOING TO BE LIKE. I’M TOO AFRAID TO “CLICK ANYWHERE TO CONTINUE” 
Thirteen:  Jesus, same. And I’m not even fucking playing it. 
Me: *CLOSES EYES AND CLICKS SOMEWHERE ON THE SCREEN*

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Me:  I stared at this for like…three minutes.
Me: What is that?
Me: are those hands? 
Thirteen: I think we’re looking at a POV looking down at his hands in his lap
Thirteen: And apparently he’s wearing skinny jeans.
Thirteen: Or has very hairy legs. 
Me:  Wait…is his leg bent? 
Thirteen:  Yes, I think. One foot tucked behind his ankle. 
Me: A++ art.

Okay so he just keeps going on and on about being nervous this part is boring as fuck.

Then this motherfucker has this long internal monologue about how there’s no reason to be nervous, bringing us here:

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Me:  WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, HUMBERT? 
Thirteen:  I like how he’s hoverhanding his own hands
Thirteen: Even he doesn’t want to touch himself.

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Me:  You’d think he would have asked for like a picture or something? This is his fucking…daughter. 
Thirteen:  Yeah I mean you’d think they’d exchange that shit when she first made contact. 
Thirteen:  But I guess we can’t have the gross “surprise” of his boner popping up because she’s ~so hot~. 
Me:  AUGH. Of COURSE THAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN. 
Thirteen:  What else did you expect? 
Me:  For me to never ever be playing a “game” like this. 
Thirteen:  Well, yes.

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Me: Yeah, you’d like that. Wouldn’t you, Humbert?
Thirteen:  I hate myself for immediately thinking “~and bad girls need to be punished!~” 
Me:  I think we need to consider getting you professional help for your apparent internet addiction. 
Thirteen:  No I’m just a terrible person.

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Me:  Has…has he been saying all of this out loud? 
Thirteen:  Pfft hahahaahah 
Thirteen:  Apparently so.
Me:  I’m just imagining some old lady sitting next to him and clutching her purse tighter next to her. 
Thirteen:  Dude, same, old lady. Same.

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Me:  I wish he’d stop calling it that. At this point he’s still talking out loud and the old lady is getting her ass up to leave. 
Thirteen:  I wouldn’t even mind the “date” thing except I know it’s inevitably leading up to its disgusting, sticky conclusion. 
Me:  With optional bestiality.
Thirteen:  Oh yes
Thirteen: Of course
Thirteen: Can’t forget that shit
Thirteen: No matter how hard I try.

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Me:  THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS STILL AT HOME? WHAT THE FUCK. 
Thirteen:  Admiring his dildo pile 
Me:  This whole time I thought he was waiting at the airport or some shit. No he’s just staring at his giant pile of dildos. 
Me:  And ominous shadow in his TV. 
Thirteen:  Perhaps it’s a Shadowman come to claim him. But unlikely. Even they want nothing to do with this. 
Me:  They’re probably drawing straws to get to see who had to drag his ass down to hell.

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Me: door. bells.
Thirteen:  It Begins.

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Me:  It did this weird shaky animation and I was like what is happening.
Thirteen:  When did we move from dildo room to the kitchen 
Me:  After the earthquake. 
Thirteen:  And man that is one obnoxious-looking kitchen 
Thirteen:  I’d hate to try and navigate it during Thanksgiving or some shit.
Me:  I mean he does live alone. Not even his only daughter wanted to see him on holidays. So I assume he spends thanksgiving like looking at daddy daughter porn or some shit. 
Thirteen:  And eating week-old KFC.
Me:  Because grease makes great lube. 
Thirteen:  Plus who can get enough of the erotic scent of fried chicken?

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Me:  I wanna punch him in the face. 
Thirteen:  Lazy, perhaps. Disgusting, yes. An ass, absolutely.

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Me:  Ah yes. Door bells. This is obviously how it’s said. 
Thirteen:  Onomatopoeias are myths invented by the liberals. 
Me: Let her in, man. 
Thirteen:  Or don’t!
Thirteen: And save everyone!

Then Humbert is useless and it takes him like 900 more years to open the door. He keeps having dumb conversations with himself about how he hopes his daughter likes his house or some other dumb shit like how nervous he is. 

Thirteen:  Unfortunately, she did not just walk off. 

And then: 

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Me:  Woe I must venture through the valley of the shadow of incest in order to let in this man’s daughter. 
Thirteen:  Godspeed, you crazy motherfucker.

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Me:  OH MY GOD HUMBERT IS THERE A WORLD IN WHICH YOU’RE NOT USELESS. 
Thirteen:  Probably the same one where he isn’t disgusting.
Thirteen: So
Thirteen: no 
Me:  LOCAL MAN CONTINUES TO MONOLOGUE INSTEAD OF LETTING HIS DAUGHTER INTO HIS HOUSE AND SHE GETS KIDNAPPED BY LOCAL HOOLIGANS. THE END. 
Thirteen:  STRANGELY, IT TURNS OUT BETTER FOR HER.

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Me:  THIS GIRL IS TWELVE.
Thirteen:  The Lolita theme fits then! 
Thirteen:  Oh but, ~she’s 18~! Totally legal! 
Thirteen:  Jesus that face is creepy and chipmunky. 
Me:  Plus her body looks all sorts of deformed. Also where is her luggage?
Thirteen:  what do you think her “boobs” are?
Me: WELP. FULL SPEED AHEAD, I GUESS. 

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Me:  noooooo you’re not. 
Thirteen:  I wanted to say “I bet you are, Lolita” but since we actually named them that it’s not even a joke.
Me:  Nothing is funny and everything hurts. 
Thirteen:  And just think, we choose this. And by “we” I mean “you”. 
Me:  Well. You didn’t even try to stop me so. 
Thirteen:  Okay fair
Thirteen: But still
Thirteen: Like you would have listened.
Me:  I wouldn’t have. You’re right. 
Thirteen:  …also, does this look like a hotel to you? Because it does to me. 
Me:  Yes, it does look like a creepy pedo hotel. 
Thirteen:  Man, she probably caught the eye of every one of his pedo neighbors.
Me:   Quick, Humbert! Piss on her! Claim your property 
Thirteen:  Is that on the fetish list? 
Me:  I just thought “Unfortunately no” and idk what that says about me as a person. 
Thirteen:  Well, it would be better than the bestiality. Mildly. 

So they awkwardly converse in the hallway for a while. She introduces herself as his daughter. Blah blah blah more bullshit about “Wow look at how much you’ve grown”. I’m sorry for being so rude blah blah blah. 

To be continued…

Video Game Mockaries: Dating My Daughter

NSFW Warning

And as always, with 13 as my captive audience, over 2000 miles away, we discovered something rather troubling. It was a game, of sorts, more like a dating sim. Where you date uh…your *ahem* …biological daughter whom you haven’t seen in several years following your divorce from her mother. 

Wonder why you got divorced dude. 

After much deliberation wherein Thirteen and I discuss my very sanity and the depth of my self-hatred, my curiosity got the better of me and I downloaded the game. 

And so it begins, with a loading screen. 

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Thirteen: Oh good. 
Thirteen: Well. At least it’s honest about the terrible, terrible thing it is from the beginning. 
Santiago: (my partner, off in the wings) Why is there a butt?
Me: Don’t ask. You really, really don’t want to know. 

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Me: What do we name him?
Thirteen:  I feel like it needs to be something appropriately horrid yet hilarious to fit out avat–Humbert? 
Me: Yes. 
Thirteen: Amazing. And terrifying. 

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Me: We must name the girl.
Thirteen:  Welp I mean the obvious answer is Lolita to match.
Me: Of course, but Delores or Lolita?
Thirteen:  Lolita. Dolores is a touch more subtle but I don’t see a reason to waste subtlety on this shit.

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Me: WE’RE ONE PAGE IN AND I’M ALREADY CHOKING HALF TO DEATH.
Thirteen:  Spoiler Alert: it was to avoid you, you disgusting subhuman filth! 
Me:  Also there’s no sound so this is fucking eerie as fuck. 
Thirteen:  Ew. 
Thirteen: Well.It was going to be super creepy anyway.
Me:  at least I can play it without headphones.

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Me:  These ellipses sure are ominous 
Thirteen:  I would say “only because we know where this is going” but no 
Thirteen:  They pretty much are regardless.
Thirteen:  And you know. I just KNOW every time people make sure to point out a character is 18 that that means they actually aren’t. 
Thirteen:  So. Yeah. :I

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Me:  Um. Someone is a little too excited. 
Thirteen:  o___o 
Thirteen:  This is really bad coming off Dream Daddy because I’m trying to squish down residual “awww” feelings because I know this is going to be terrible. 
Me:  I keep thinking about Dream Daddy too. It can’t save us now. 
Thirteen:  On one hand I need Golden Child and her totally-sweet-and-non-creepy dad to make things better, on the other I want them FOREVER AWAY FROM THIS.

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Thirteen: Is that a pile of weird dildos and/or other sex toys at the left
Me:  He’s only getting ready to entertain his daughter. 
Thirteen:  There’s totally at least two dicks in there.
Thirteen: Oh well of course
Thirteen:  Why didn’t I think of that

*DES IS GETTING ICE CREAM BREAK*