i’m the selfish one

Admit it
it’s euphoric to see me this way:
lips chapped
nose red
mouth agape
throat so raw
air feels like sandpaper
in my lungs

it brings you happiness
to see me grovel
beg, long
for your affection

Please, please, please
don’t leave me

but…
you do

&
it fills you with joy
to know that you’ve created a void
an ache in my chest bigger than
the one I caused you

you keep biting at me
insults through letters and words
but I sit here &
wait…
just to be close to you

but…
I’m nothing to you or anyone else
I’m here
bro
ken
& you love it

but I’m the selfish one
so hurt me
because you don’t deserve me

maybe one day I’ll wake up
after everything you’ve done to erase me
and realize I deserve better

but for now
I’m begging with chapped lips
and a sandpaper throat:

don’t go. 

Vignettes: Ultimatum

You gave me an ultimatum. I did what you wanted.  Quit my job, changed to a different one.  I did absolutely everything you asked.  Then last night when we were laying in bed, you were holding me, kissing my forehead, caressing my cheek gently…telling me how beautiful I am.

I whispered so softly you almost didn’t hear it

“I love you”

and you laughed

“That’s cute.”