dreams, wishes, & fates

i used to think that
love was the way you said my name
or the way that you
smiled at me when we sat in silence

but now everything feels empty
a shell of what we were
the silence is deafening and
every word is a dance

we are broken, unfixable
the distance between us is insurmountable
and i wish

wish

wish

but it never comes true

Girls Like Me

Girls like me,
don’t fall in love
we watch love happen.

Girls like me,
wait for love
want love
give love
but do not receive love.

Girls like me,
are not meant to be loved
we are meant to watch 
and help love happen.

Girls like me,
try for love and fail.

Girls like me,
die alone
and bro-  -ken.

Girls like me,
will love, giving all of ourselves,
but will not receive it’s warmth in return.

We will cry
but we will not receive comfort
we will bleed
but the bleeding will never stop.

Girls like me,
want to be loved
but no one will love us.

We will write about love,
we will dream about love,
we will love love
but we will never feel it.

Girls like me,
end up alone.

V e r b a t i m

“close your eyes,” you tell me.
  I’m so nervous I can’t stop trembling.

You never stopped there
they said you USED me
but I don’t want to listen to reason
I’m too stubborn for their truths.

You hold my hand
tell me to run away
           {with you,} for you
I can’t say what you’ve said to me.
it’s all lies.

I write so the drugs will pass me by
YOU USED ME.

Say she isn’t angry now,
  but my head is splitting and I can’t
                        FEEL anymore.
I’ve heard you lie so many times.

“Just you,” you say to me;
     and like a SPOILED child I believed you.
You tell me “you’re amazing.”
     but you don’t know them IMPACT of the words.

You’d tell me anything to use me again,
          but as I see this far ahead the threats just aren’t WORTH it.
not with what you have to offer.

You pay me off
   like I’m so cheap you can use me over and over.

It’s funny how you think you can trust them,
      they’d rat you out in an instant while I struggle with these secrets.

For you I have been beaten and bruised,
      yet you still laugh at my iniquity.
YOU WERE PART OF IT TOO.

Tell me why you are so clean,
    tell me why you aren’t bleeding.

I feel so heavy, like lead.
   the pressure is overwhelming.
I CAN’T BREATHE.

I’ve waited so long for a moment I can’t even remember,
    It was everything and nothing to me
why can’t I remember how it felt?

You tell me I’m crazy,
   but you’ve NEVER seen these words.
I can’t let go of this anger and pain…
   everyone would be so suspicious of what happened.

Even when I speak to you I can’t get it out.
you have the NERVE to ask me why I’m crying
                 you knew I could never make it.

You tell me I’m being “overly dramatic”
   but when there’s so much inside that I can’t get out

TELL ME
      that you wouldn’t die too.

s o  m a n y  t h i n g s  l e f t  u n s a i d;
    you’d think I was speaking in another language.
this is how I speak.

In your stupidity you don’t know how much it hurts
   I never lied to you when I told you it was d i f f e r e n t for me.

Every Day Magic

You’re my everday amazing
the reason I smile in the mornings
the reason I try so hard to be.

You’re my everyday beautiful
your smile sends me reeling 
your eyes suck me into your soul.

You’re my everyday lover
the arms that hold me close
the hands that brush my skin.

You’re my eveyday magic
you cast a spell on my heart
you draw me in with your trance.

You’re my everyday everything
        and I can’t let you go.

I’m Thinking Maybe

There’s a pain I can’t ignore
Because Earlier I got to thinkin’ “Maybe I can”
but there’s things you don’t want to deal with
so there in lies the problem
to deny what love is
transforms you to hate.

People are startin’ to worry
that I’ll say good-bye to what I was
now that I feel like this.

I’m talkin’ to him 
and askin’ him “Is this right?” 
but he’s tellin’ me “No”
it don’t suprise me
the answer was there all along.

I’m talkin’ to her
but she don’t know the problem
she don’t know what she’s about.

I don’t wanna say good-bye to yesterday
because it lacks these complications
the things I have to hide
but maybe I can just say it isn’t there
but there in lies the problem…
because it is.

Our Game

It’s like this:
you wait a lifetime to hear hello
but all they wanna say is good-bye
you wait forever to be their reason
but all they wanna tell you is a lie.

It’s like you smile for something you’re gonna lose
waiting for that person to notice you’re not playing
you want something serious, but they’re not into it.

So they leave you there and you don’t know what to say
they break your heart and you wait, just wait.

There’s really nothing left now
so you shrug your shoulders and try to get over it
but this is the time when you realize it’s different.

The feeling isn’t the same
this isn’t how you play the game.

You’ve never felt this way
but you blow it off as just another stupid excuse
you’ve said things like this before
to those friends who are forced to listen.

Then you realize, it’s really different
and now you’re too afraid to say the things you’re feeling
because this isn’t what this is supposed to turn into.

It’s supposed to be a game.

Have You Ever?

Have you ever been so in love
that his smile is your lullaby,
his eyes are your night sky,
he overtakes your dreams.

Have you ever been so in love
that he steals your breath
his hair comes in whispers
sweet caresses on your cheek.

Have you ever been so in love
that his laugh is your morning song
sweet melody carried by the wind
hitting your ear in sweet rhythmic tones.

Have you ever been so in love
that he’s the soundtrack of your summer
every song you hear makes you think of him
in everything you write, he has a place.

Have you ever been so in love
that you get butterflies when you see him
even if you just catch a glimpse
see him for a fleeting moment.

Have you ever been so in love
that his heartbeat is the rhythm you live by
that you can’t go a single moment without the thought
of your cheek pressed against his chest
the steady rhythm of his heart
the warmth of his touch.

Have you ever been so in love
that you want to know everything about him
you hang on every word
love his imperfections
love him with all your heart.

Have you ever been so in love
that it hurts; good and bad.
he overtakes you, breaks you
you’ve memorized the way he walks.

Have you ever
                 been so in love
                                    that he can break your heart?
with just one word.