Fools Who Rush In, Burn Out

This is an introspection, my own personal thoughts of where I am right now, a diary entry if you will.

I hate the way I feel right now, so close yet so out of reach.  I feel like I’m not changing, not making with the “new”.  I still want the same things, I’m still striving for the same things, I’m still stuck.  I feel like I’m stuck, sinking in mud.  I’m not really worth anything, am I?

I keep telling myself things like that.  Things like, I’m never gonna be anyone, but it really isn’t true.  I can be anything.  Yes, I am confirming that the thing everyone’s mother told them when they were younger is absolutely 100% true.  We can still be anything we want to be. 

I want to say something about being broken hearted and feeling alone, but I’m reminded that I don’t honestly feel alone…just…confused.  I know what I want in the long run, but in the now…I’m struggling to keep it together.  It’s strange after a year to be single again, but I honestly don’t feel single.  I feel the same, but I feel like a certain other person might be breaking off, branching out…and I’m still holding on.  

I’m always holding on, why can’t I just let go?  If I don’t learn how to let go of the important things, if I don’t learn how to just let it work itself out…then how will I ever function in society?  I already know the outcome, I already know that this will get better.  I already know I wont give up.  

And like a certain someone told me: “I’m not going anywhere”…you really aren’t are you?  You’ll stay the same in this even if I feel like you’re zooming lightyears ahead of me and starting your brand new life…without me…while I’m still stuck here.

But this is it right?  I’ve got to learn to stand on my own!  I have to know I can do this without you, without my family, without anyone but God to hold me up.  You’ve got to know it too, don’t you?  You need to know this too.  We have to stand alone before we can stand together, don’t we?

I’m amused, this whole introspection ended up being a letter to you about how I feel about us.  I still love you, y’know.  I promised you…a long time ago that I’d never stop.  But…in a way, I’m glad that this is over.  I don’t want all the pressure and the fights and the pain.  It’s not like I’m losing you 100% is it?  No, we’ll always be friends.  That’s one thing I’ve learned.  That I can’t really ever exist without you.  You’re my heart.  

I was told, by my mother once that…in life, you really only make two really good friends.  The first one is God and the second one is the man you fall in love with.  

I don’t feel like I’m losing you, I just feel like I’m losing the “us” we used to be.  That old, broken, depressed, trustless version of us.  The paranoid, jealous, unhappy version of us.  The one where accusations and assumptions defined it.  It obviously wan’t based on the friendship we claimed to have before we were together.

But after all this…I can understand now.

You were right, you know…

We did rush into it.

Occasionally, I do art

So I sometimes draw stuff and I feel like I never post this kind of stuff on my blog, so here goes:

A doodle of Marjorie Diaz, the protagonist of my Marjorie Diaz book series.
Rhine Tseng, my Marvel (Mary Sue) OC. That I just made.

A Little Dignity, Please

Dear Heart,
Fools who run in, burn out
like stars and life and fires and cars
eventually the last light snuffs
the last thread breaks
the last breath breathed
but even though nothing truly lasts
things always begin anew.

So break, dear friend and mend again
become strong and stand alone
be proof of strength and honor and glory
of love and patience and understanding
proof that all things become new.

Be wary friend, of all that glue
and be patient as you wait
and always remember, my dear friend
slow and steady wins the race

All Great Shapes Break

You might not ever see this
And you might not even care
but I want to let you know–
you still mean the world to me
your voice still echoes in my head
the place in my back still tingles
when I think about kissing you.

You might not ever see this
but maybe you’ll still care
that you still make my sun rise
you give my world all it’s color
and you always open my eyes
to different possibilities.

Maybe you’ll see this
and I know that you’ll still care
that I hear your voice in all my memories
that every memory I have of you plays so s l o w l y
that I swear it comes to life and all I can focus on is…
your breathing, the taste of your lips
and even with my eyes closed
I can still see you, clear as day.

But…
Maybe you wont see this
and maybe you’ll just break
let the stars and all great shapes
fall between our hearts
maybe in your world, we’re better off apart.

The More I hate you, the More I Love You

So close I could taste the poison on your lips
so far I could feel your fingertips
I could feel the tears were gone
but now it’s wrecked
this crippling pain is in my chest
I used to be so happy,
I could handle it…

But now you’ve ripped my heart free
and broke it in your hands
and you tell me I don’t mean a thing
and I just have to
WISH you didn’t.

One Night Only

For one night only–
I’ll be who you want me to be
lay on my back and look pretty
say things to get your pitty
for just one night

For one night only–
I’ll let the smoke from my cigarette
curl up and around your sweet face
let your eyes water from the stench
for just one night

For one night only–
I’m offering, no strings attached
No hope renewed, nothing gained
everything lost
for just one night

For one night only–
I’ll tell you what you wanna hear
whisper sweet nothings in your ear
lies against my red-stained lips
your head against my breast
for just one night

For one night only–
I’ll be her with the long red nails
the short brown hair, red-stained lips
high stiletto heals

And in the morning…
you don’t even have to remember
my name.

How Do I deserve You?

I feel abandoned, lost amongst this vast sea of heartbreak.  I never thought I’d ever feel I had to be punished for loving, but I realize now that it never really brings you any joy in life.  So many expectations and yet, I crave it like I crave the air I breathe, the food I eat, the water I drink.  I eat it like candy or any type of pleasant-tasting food.  I fill my lungs with it, the emotion runs through my veins and boils over.  Love is worth the pain.

I feel ugly like my soul is shoved into the wrong body.  I stare at this skin, covered in scars and marks, tiny scratches and stretches from where my skin is straining to hold me in.  How my hair doesn’t fall down my back like perfect straight silk, how my pale pink lips are peeling from the harsh winter air and they don’t look like all the other girl’s lips.  How my nose is so pointed and sloped, my hands hold no talent for anything but typing.  My eyes are cold, uninviting.  Everything about me screams for people to stay away.  My body is worn, weak, covered in small bruises and everything about my appearance is sickening.  Yet…

Here you are, staring at me, my whole body naked before you and you look as if you can’t get enough.  You’re ravenous for this girl, the person I am.  The girl who stands before you, insecure and terrified of being classified as useless.  Your eyes show nothing but love.

You’re beautiful.  Or as beautiful as anyone could describe a man.  Your skin is smooth and soft, despite your constant complaint about it.  And your body is perfection, I could stare at it all day.  The soft curves of your chest, the hairs that lead from your chest down over your stomach and to the top of your pants.  The way your stomach dips in and how my head fits perfectly against your shoulder.  Your long, strong throat is perfect, covered in the short hairs of your beard.  Most women would complain about your facial hair, but me?  I’ve never found a problem with it.  In reality, I find it sexy.  You hair is soft and silky smooth with a shine I wish my own locks could muster.  I can’t remember seeing anyone so attractive.  

Your eyes sparkle and your lips are perfect, smooth and soft beneath my fingers.  I can’t get enough of you.  The way you smell, the way you taste, how your body feels strong, safe, comfortable.  You’re amazing.  

And me? I’m not even average.