Video Game Mockaries: Dating My Daughter

NSFW Warning

And as always, with 13 as my captive audience, over 2000 miles away, we discovered something rather troubling. It was a game, of sorts, more like a dating sim. Where you date uh…your *ahem* …biological daughter whom you haven’t seen in several years following your divorce from her mother. 

Wonder why you got divorced dude. 

After much deliberation wherein Thirteen and I discuss my very sanity and the depth of my self-hatred, my curiosity got the better of me and I downloaded the game. 

And so it begins, with a loading screen. 

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Thirteen: Oh good. 
Thirteen: Well. At least it’s honest about the terrible, terrible thing it is from the beginning. 
Santiago: (my partner, off in the wings) Why is there a butt?
Me: Don’t ask. You really, really don’t want to know. 

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Me: What do we name him?
Thirteen:  I feel like it needs to be something appropriately horrid yet hilarious to fit out avat–Humbert? 
Me: Yes. 
Thirteen: Amazing. And terrifying. 

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Me: We must name the girl.
Thirteen:  Welp I mean the obvious answer is Lolita to match.
Me: Of course, but Delores or Lolita?
Thirteen:  Lolita. Dolores is a touch more subtle but I don’t see a reason to waste subtlety on this shit.

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Me: WE’RE ONE PAGE IN AND I’M ALREADY CHOKING HALF TO DEATH.
Thirteen:  Spoiler Alert: it was to avoid you, you disgusting subhuman filth! 
Me:  Also there’s no sound so this is fucking eerie as fuck. 
Thirteen:  Ew. 
Thirteen: Well.It was going to be super creepy anyway.
Me:  at least I can play it without headphones.

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Me:  These ellipses sure are ominous 
Thirteen:  I would say “only because we know where this is going” but no 
Thirteen:  They pretty much are regardless.
Thirteen:  And you know. I just KNOW every time people make sure to point out a character is 18 that that means they actually aren’t. 
Thirteen:  So. Yeah. :I

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Me:  Um. Someone is a little too excited. 
Thirteen:  o___o 
Thirteen:  This is really bad coming off Dream Daddy because I’m trying to squish down residual “awww” feelings because I know this is going to be terrible. 
Me:  I keep thinking about Dream Daddy too. It can’t save us now. 
Thirteen:  On one hand I need Golden Child and her totally-sweet-and-non-creepy dad to make things better, on the other I want them FOREVER AWAY FROM THIS.

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Thirteen: Is that a pile of weird dildos and/or other sex toys at the left
Me:  He’s only getting ready to entertain his daughter. 
Thirteen:  There’s totally at least two dicks in there.
Thirteen: Oh well of course
Thirteen:  Why didn’t I think of that

*DES IS GETTING ICE CREAM BREAK*

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